just let go.

"there's this little strand of thought that i cannot seem to get out of my head. and i want it out.
like now.
i just dont care anymore or i dont want to care or there's no point and yet, i still do.
and there's no distraction. and there's no other attraction.
and i just rhymed. how perfect.

and when i think there's someone, something, anything to take my mind off this little strand, it somehow is connected to that strand. it's all connected. and if it's not, i'll make a connection, somehow. i'll weave some strands together and make it a big blanket made all from one strand. and it's now a ridiculously long strand and you can never find the end cause every other strand attatches itself to the end.
and i keep pulling and pulling at the strand, and i dont know what to do with all this excess.

so i'm trying to transpose it. to shape the strand into curving letters and punctuations so that there's some kind of meaning behind all that strand. and it just never seems to turn out. the words are always and the meanings get tangled in a web of cliches. and the rhymes are weak and airy.


and there are just never enough words. for the ever lengthening strand. "

and then i wrote this.
and then i was dumb.


so that was my random rant for the day.  so... yeah.
so i keep thinking more and more about leaving. and where i'd go, and if i'd want to go so far. and yeah, i do. i just want to get out of here. but the thing is, i dont know how i could do that to my family and friends. everytime i leave something bad happens. i mean, i know it's inevitable, but... i just dont know if they can do it without me.
does that sound coincided?
you know now that i think of it, it might just be that i dont know if i can handle it without them. my dad's always been at least 30 miles within distance of me, and i seem to need him on a daily basis. and my sister, she's always a phone call away, but even not seeing her for this two weeks or however long it's been is just sad. brooklynn is included in that. god knows you cannot talk to her on the phone, she gets distracted.. plus, for some reason i dont have the same influence over the phone as i do in person.
and anyway. again no time for feelings.
it's time for sleep.



i dont want to sit here listening anymore. it's my turn. you listen.

yawn.

i am sleepy. this has been a LONG freakin weekin (haha, i rhymed).
so, let's uh... let's take a little gander at what happened, k?
i will attempt to be as brief as possible.
thrusday: tigerheat in l.a. with yasmine, tina, randy and my newest gay lover Jeramiah. drinking occured. yasmine danced on those big boxes above the crowd with various gay men and one random girl. looked away from her for what seemed like a second, she disappeared (@ this point she had no ability to control her actions, but i was unaware of the severity of the situation at this time). searched for her for about 10 minutes. found her sitting on another box thing, surrounded by gay men all looking concerned. they asked if i was her friend, told me she fell off the box and someone fell on top of her. she'd hit her head. she didn't recognize me... "i cant find any of my friends..." on her cell, probably trying to call me. thought it might be a good idea to take her to the bathroom. soon discovered she couldn't walk. a guard followed us to the bathroom. send in some woman to come kick her out. i asked them to wait with her outside while i got my friends (i wasn't getting kicked out). took me a while to find tina and the gang. finally found them. some of us left. tina and i took yasmine to del to get her some water and maybe sober her up a bit. she threw up in del... on tina, hehe. more throwing up outside. cops drove by as the puking continued. we drove home, me holding both a puke bag and bobbing head with my injured wrist. yasmine fell asleep with no puke left. tina and i took showers. then sleep.

friday: george's suprise party. basically cheese pizza. a drink that seemed to be the drink of the night, but i dont even want to attempt a spelling (it's pronounced yay-ger? [isn't it just jager?] and some red bull?). then it involved some dancing... LOTS of dancing to music i don't necessarily consider amazing. but anyway, then followed a LOT of crying by tina and candice. candice started it, but then tina continued it. for at least 2 hours.
i didn't notice at first, then i did, and i figured they just needed some time alone, but then i realized they were drunk and probably very confused as to why they couldn't stop crying, soi seculuded them and they stopped within 10 minutes. then candice returned to the party, perfectly fine. then tina started crying some more about other things. then she used the phone a lot. then she stopped crying finally. then she came down also, smiling and happen. then a some other stuff happened that isn't really interesting to me... gay men hooking up, nakedness and whatever, haha. then sleep. then 6 am awakening, driving to l.a.

saturday: sleeping till 12pm once we where back in l.a. tina left. tina came back for lunch. pb and j. and animal crackers for me.tina left. tina came back. jeramiah, tina and i went to find ruele in some area i cant remember. it wasn't open yet. came home. tina left to get jordan. jeramiah and i got pizza and watched a lifetime movie till tina and jordan came back. left the house to go to bang. didn't get in cause jordan was wearing shorts. drove to denny's. didn't eat. dropped off jeramiah at the dorms. jordan, tina and i went to clairmont. slept.

sunday: met a new person named dillon. went to the park. met up with sebastian. went to the taco factory. went to kiwiberry or something (they actually have really good fat-free green tea flavored yogurty stuff that they add fresh fruit to that's really yummy. or mochi... they can add mochi!). then to borders. seb left. we went to jordan's. tina and i left. went to my house to get laundry. went to get boba smoothie. went to a park in irvine to take pictures. took some long exposures at dusk... not sure if that'll work. went to "the departed" with tina's mom. she got me a pretzel and a soda. i love her. it was ok i guess... i guess it was good... some holes in the story but whatever. if you're willing to overlook them i guess i will. went to tina's. did my laundry (she told me to do it there so i didnt have to go to a laundry mat, hehe.) had an uncrustable and chocolate milk. helped tina with her project while watching "shopgirl".
i love jason schwartzmann. and i dont care who knows it. he's adorible.

damn... no feelings tonight. i'm exhausted.

listen to "the same fire" by bishop allen. it's worth it. i promise.

a different perspective

you know that everyone thinks they're different. everyone. everyone thinks they're special or they're some how completely unique than anyone else in the world. and they are, but not in the way they're thinking, you know? i honestly believe that everyone has a special task or assignment if you will, that they are meant to complete, that will create a huge but discrete change in the world. i truly believe this. no one knows, but the smallest thing you do could effect so many.
that's why i try not to litter, or treat people badly, or say anything that would be offensive, or be biast, or prejudice. 
anyway!! i miss writing funny things. @ least i think they're pretty hilarious. but that's just me, i just love to crack me up, haha :)

this one's going to be a long one. i feel i've got a lot to say. the past couple of days have pretty much been suck-a-licous. no joke. pretty bad. i mean i love hanging out with yasmine, but i just feel like we're both oh so bored, and we have no outlet. and no one ever wants to do anything so we're forced to entertain ourselves. gah.
also, i haven't touched my keyboard(literally) in probably about 4 days. dont tell my dad. i just am bored with myself and my songs. i told myself that i cant write a new song till i finish those two i started, but i'm so ridiculously picky with my lyrics. if they're dumb or cliche, i just cannot leave them. i write music to express myself and i'd like to think i can do so with more of the symbolism and general emphasis than just, "i've been so sad, oh things are bad..." etc. haha.
yeah i'd never write lyrics like that. most my lyrics are about love. for everyone, mostly family, personal trials and tribulations. but i feel like they're all coming out the same. just the lyrics, not the songs. so now every time i hear a song i study it. all songs. good and bad. i see what i dont like about the bad ones, and how they differ both lyrically and structurally from songs i like.

then i begin to think i'm really thinking way way way too much. and i just want to write. i know it's in me, so why cant i just let it out?

i guess it'd help if my throat wasn't still so sore. and i cant help singing. i'll try going a couple of days without it, see if i can heal up. it wont happen, i already know that. i have to sing. it's no longer a personal choice.


it's my... lover. : )

science of sleep

the science of sleep is an amazing movie.
please. it's so.
i love it.
i cant... i just. it's so good.
it makes me want to love everyone. even the mean ones.
so speaking of dreams (sorta), i had the cutest dream last night. it was so cute. it was pretty boring though. my friends(and the cutest couple ever) ryan and vanessa, were squirting me with this... white stuff? i cant remember what it was, i think it was cleaner or bleach or something but anyway i got mad at them cause i was wearing a really cute new outfit i just got.
but even though i was annoyed, i kept laughing cause i love them. then i started walking away and they kept doing it and i kept laughing. and i kept waking up cause i was actually laughing out loud i guess? and eventually they tackled me and i fell over and kept laughing. i woke up laughing, rolled over and like... sighed cause it was so funny. i love love love dreams like that. i love them. love.
so this weekend was not so boring as i expected it to be, seeing as how every night has been fucked up.
thursday we went to ruba as usual, but it wasn't so fun, so we went home, sadly.
friday morning tina called and told me she was picking me up to go to la. i told her i didnt have a ride down from orange county and to call ryan. so i laid back down to go to sleep (shhh... dont tell her!) when ryan, called me!
ironic! so yeah.
then we picked up vanessa, and headed up. we went to tina's apartment. george was there. apparently he had gotten busy the night before with a stranger and was just now waking up at 3pm. i finally met her roommate and we kind of fell asleep at her house. then ryan came over. then candice.
then we went to in-n-out for like, an hour and a half. had a delish grilled cheese. hmmm.
tina dropped ness, ryan and i off at ryan's. we watched rushmore. amazing. gosh. really.
then josh and brett came over. we fell asleep to punch drunk love, which i can NEVER watch cause i always fall asleep!
when we woke up ryan and joe (ryan's roommate) made us mickey mouse waffles! then brett gave ryan, josh and i all massages in his new massage chair thing... which wobbles and he does a repetitive movement but is still really nice.
then we went on a BUS ADVENTURE!!! it was SO fun. honestly. try it sometime. what you do is, you pick a destination(which for us was downtown), and you get on the bus, pay 3 bucks for an all day pass, and see if you can get there! haha! ryan lead us to crazy places. we took the bus, then the subway!!!! stopped at a weird park with with a beautiful fountain and hobos. then took the subway again to some other area.
it was seriously amazing. i loved it.
i cannot wait to go back.
then today, my dad was supposed to call me, but he didnt. cause he's flaky. :(
so yasmine and i decided to work on our alter for the day of the dead which is extra credit in our women in art class.
we picked frida kahlo. i'm excited. we did paper mache. it was hard. it's still not dry.
tomorrow, i will attempt to find a job i can stand, then i'm off to the saosin/mikoto show!!!! YAY!
love em'.
love you.
love.