i have problems that god only knows.
moby said it right, and now i am having problems solving problems.
resolving how i feel with others. i have learned to avoid them.
has this made me a good friend? not in the least.
i've felt numb for a while now, these feeling seem too much right now, too overwhelming.
one day i wish to be so much more than even i thought.
but the way things are now, it seems improbable, impossible, embarrassing. i am none of these things, which makes being human hard... harder than it has ever seemed before.


maybe it's time, maybe it's time we call it quits. i mean, it's not even really fun anymore. everyone says what an asshole i'm dating, how he's so rude to all my friends... tonight he kissed on of my friends, it was all planned, but i never agreed. that's the thing, it's like nothing i say matters. i'm not important enough to actually listen to. that's the only problem. everything i say is entering in one ear and exiting, immediately out the other. my breath is wasted on someone who does not give a fuck.
why do i give him such power in my life. do i not have any control.
i sleep on the couch bed because i like him so much, instead of my incredibly comfortable bed which i inherited from my beloved brother. it's all mine and i don't even get to use it. how disappointing.
there's so much i wish i could change about my life. is this where it changes, for the better. i mean it could be SO much worse, but this is about all i can handle right now. why cant this be enough. why cant i be happy? ever?
no one can make me happy but me.
how sad... i rarely make myself happy...


ahh well, let's just keep trying, right? keep on trying.

if you're not happy with your life, there's no point pretending. everyone can see through the facade. just so you know.
i tried it, and it really didn't work.
as much as you pretend and you fake it, if you're not happy, you're just not happy.
i didn't intend to share this much on such a public profile, but i ended up doing it anyway. so oh well.
i am dissatisfied with life's potential options. i do not agree, i do not wish to comply. and therefore, i will not comply and waste my life.

life is what you make it, so make it fucking amazing.


otherwise, honestly, what is the point?

too little too late.

the title doesn't really mean anything, it's just something i was thinking.
randomly.
so life has been pretty regular. which, believe me, i am not complaining about.
though...
i do wish things were just a bit more exciting.
this weekend should be pretty stoke-enabling, hehe.
i love that you can pretty much make up words as long as you throw a little '-' in there. like remember-able. hehe. i dunno why you wouldn't just say memorable... but still, if you wanted, you could do that.
um... i don't really have anything to write about...
oh!
so this weekend should be pretty fun. kenny wants to head down to san diego for at least part of the weekend, so i'm stoked. i think maybe ben and sj are coming? i dunno for sure.
i have work on sunday but who cares, hehe. i don't. they need to pay me more. i work so hard. but apparently i'm up for a promotion. 'shift leader'. which would be actually really cool, just cause i'd be the the only one, and the cafe manager would be new, so it's basically everyone coming to me when they have questions.
but they do that anyway. which is why i should have more money. hhaha.

well i've got work. same ole same ole.
the drone.
me.

times to decide

i feel like laying low for a while.
this week i have been trying so hard, doing everything i'm supposed to.
and now, as good as i felt, i'm tired. i'm tired of trying SO hard.
other people can try now if they want. i'm passing the torch. everyone, give me a break for a while, yeah? let me sleep, let me work-out and work... oh yah and sleep.

i think i want to leave orange county. i think it's finally time. there is just no progress for me here. i have nothing really here for me anymore besides the people around me. but lately i've felt like i need something more, something that seems so hard to get here. i am constantly debating whether to move across the country, or to move an hour away. wherever i am it'll be completely different than where i am here. and i think that's what i want. i certainly think, but i dunno for sure.
i think i'll have to think about it. a lot. a lot a lot a lot. 
goodbye relaxation.

i feel like turning 21 has changed everything.
i can get the job i want, i can go to the places i want to go and hang out with the people who once seemed so elusive. psh... what a joke that is.
it's about 3 in the morning, and i am exhausted. shauntis is over, breanna is passed out in our room and yasmine and ben are sharing a room again too.
i had so much fun tonight. i mean, it was a little slow to get started, but once it did, it was pretty amazing. even better than last night!
so the day started out with lunch @ my work on me with shauntis and breanna, then we headed to kenny's to do god knows what.
while we were there se-june, ben, tina and vanessa all showed up. we were at kenny's MANSION along with some strange young people we had no interest in getting to know. call it elitist, i call it... we're just much older than a bunch of high schoolers, i can't help it if i care so little of their existence, as they care little for mine.
so then alli came and we escaped to forever 21 where we shopped for a little while before rushing back to kenny's so that shauntis and alli could go to alli's family dinner. i headed over to se-june's myself cause he promised me some of that amazing spicy chicken thing his mom made last time, so i basically had dinner with ben and se-june. i love them. great birthday dinner.
then i left, told ben i'd get them something to drink if they wanted so  i got some shit for them to party with.
got ready, left for kenny's. get there. immediately was offered a drink... got a massage from a magical chair and waited for the arrival of shauntis and alli.
when they finally got there we lagged for about...... i dunno... what seemed like forever, till we finally left! yay!!! bar time!!
i really had been wanting to go to this place called rudy's, but i guess kenny didn't want to wait in the line so we went to some place called the 'district'? i dunno. we had to wait in line for a while but then some guy came up to us and let us in the back door. kenny was a dumb and totally forgot his id so he had to go BACK to his house to get it, but the girls and i just had a few shots and 'kicked it', as they say (i'm hip!)
anyway we all got humped on a little by various guys. one guy told me his friend was a model. doubt it. but whatever it was awesome. i had an amazing time.
picked up my drunk sister and headed home. where i am finally able to rest. we'll see if i go out drinking anytime soon, ever again. i mean, it's fun... but c'mon ya'll... c'mon....

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

it's my burfday, it's my burfday, i'm gunna party cause it's my freak BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!! i'm stoked.

sandwiches for breakfasts

i'm listening to the metric station on pandora radio (GREAT THING IF YOU HAVE NOT DISCOVERED IT). and then 'April 29th, 1992' by sublime came on...

i love pandora radio, but maybe they're stretching it a bit, no?
i hate it even more when because it's a female artist, or singer, they ONLY play other female artists. how annoying is that?
so have you ever tried an asian pear? they are like, half apple, half pear.
i LOVE them, which is funny, because i really dislike red apples with those stupid impossible thick skins. and i really dislike pears cause they get old so quickly and feel dry on the inside.
but the asian pear is the perfect combination of the two. it's really juicy, the skin is easily broken with teeth, and it's fun to eat cause it's not too sweet.
so, my birthday is tomorow. and how ironic 'Free to Stay' by smoosh is on...'today, pretty soon it'll be tomorrow...'
it's true. in only... well i don't want to count the hours, but yes, i was born almost exactly 24 hours and 21 years ago.
my dad figured out that this is my real birth anniversary. i seriously cannot wait, ya'll.
actually... to be honest, i can wait. i mean... don't tell anyone, but i am as much apprehensive about turning 21 as i am excited.

it's a lot of pressure. i am the 1st of my closer friends to turn 21. but i drink so little. the being driven by slightly intoxicated under agers to the liquor store @ 1 am really doesn't sound that appealing to me. call me crazy.
but yeah...

good morning friends.
it's now almost 6:50am.
that's right, am.

i work @ 8 today at barnes and noble cafe, where they pay me little to do my best. nothing against the company, really, i mean they're losing serious money. people try to cheat them everyday and as an effect, they've had to change multiple reasonably policies to completely outrageous ones. like, if someone takes a book from the store then they come to the cafe to return, then they want to use ALL the 50 bucks from the book to buy food from cafe.
sending me and only one other cafe working scrambling to get a bag big enough so that the person isn't carrying around 12 tiny bags full of stale red velvet cake and mushy panini's.
boy, can't wait for work.

but it's alright. the best days start out with the best breakfast.
today for breakfast i just had a blt with turkey bacon, fresh butter leaf lettuce, on the "vine", ripe tomatoes on whole wheat.
yum yum. i'm jealous of myself... that's how good it was.

so my birthday is officially in two days. April 3rd. i was born @ 6:32am in the Scripps Hospital in San Diego, CA. not that interesting. i haven't moved very far from my first touching on earth.
too bad. i had such plans.
i planned to be far away... very far away. like japan. or... africa. i dunno... it was far. it was supposed to be so far.
i have moved up the stream... to orange county. and my next stop was supposed to be la....
next i'm guessing i would have wanted to explore life in washington, or canada even. not that i don't want to do those things. i would love to go to washington and canada. i just wanted to be brave enough to leave everything behind.

well i should probably leave soon. i have to go work 8 hours at the slave factory. hehe. i know i shouldn't use references like that, but it's just so... hard not to. :)


plus it's way funnier to use those references.

i cut and dyed my hair.

Yes, that is me, right there, on the right hand side. the one with the black short hair. i dunno what to think about it right now, but i guess it's aight for now.
i think it's something very good. i think it's going to be something i am very happy about. my birthday is coming and i want to look amazing on the night.
what should i freaking DO!? i've had NO time to think about it.
i guess i'll look it up before i pass out, right? it's only 12:40am, that's plenty of time.
i need sleep eventually.

i guess i'm planning the party... which i don't mind doing, it's just not my thing. if it's up to me, i would just go to bars with everyone who is 21. that's the thing, it's going to be fun for me no matter what because i'm turning 21, and i get to drink the whole night if i want! i mean it's more about what my friends who are not yet 21 want to do.
like these little buddies in the picture above. that lovely lady is my roommate and sista from another mista, yasmine. that spiffy dressed kid next to me is one of my best, se-june. they are the loves of my life... though we are missing my beloved breanna.

anyway, it's getting late, and i guess i have a little party to plan?

one more pic.

oh, i do believe. :)

I have decided that being single when i turn 21 is going to be one of the most awesome things in the world.  i think it'll be good, it'll be nice.

i suddenly have had a really positive attitude about my upcoming birthday. before i was a little disappointed that it wasn't going to be the big hurrah i thought a 21st should be.
but, this weekend i jacuzzi-ed with some awesome people. you know how you meet someone and you feel some weird connection with them? like, geeze, this person is so awesome, i cannot wait to be friends with them. i met a really cool gal that is 21 and just HAPPENS to be in town the same weekend of my birthday, and since we got along so well, she and my other amazing friend, shauntis, are going to come and help me celebrate my 21st the RIGHT way. in bars and dancing the night away in clubs.
i am STOKED, to say the least.

it was just pure luck that i went to the jacuzzi that night and shauntis invited me to share in her night.
that night was awesome. it was me and three other girls, and shauntis, being the always gracious hostess that she is, had champagne, chocolate, and strawberries for us all to indulge in, while we sat in the jacuzzi and soothed ourselves in it's steaming water.
and we talked for hours, about life, about ex's, about new guys, about sex, and love, and life and school, and getting 'big girl' jobs. it was just what i needed after an 'interesting' easter with my mother.

and, i saw a shooting star. a huge, illuminated ball of light slowly making it's way to earth, just out of view of the girls i was with. and it felt... special, like it was a sign of change. is that stupid? i don't think so. i believe in signs... some signs. and this was for sure a sign.


a good one. ;)

i am PISSED.
i cannot wait to get home.

life has been so complicated recently.
sometimes i wonder why it has to be do confusing.
why cant the people we like, like us back, and the things we hate, disappear. i mean, would it really be SO bad if we got what we wished for at least some of the time? if we got the pony, or the boy did actually ask us to prom, or we got into the college of our dreams even though it seemed so impossible.
and i'm not going to lie, sometimes, things turn out just the way i want them to. and i'm never grateful, i'm just confused. and a little upset. why, when i don't really care about the true outcome can my wishes come true and when i REALLY REALLY care it doesn't even come close to what i'd like to occur.
there are people i have known in my past that i would have liked to have known forever, and i know few of them now. people from my past who i have loved as people and they are the ones i have absolutely no chance of knowing again.
 it's ok, i guess, it's just so disappointing at the same time. cause i actually miss those people... genuinely, as who they were, i miss them.
though i am so grateful for the people i know now, also.
tonight i had two very important conversations with two very important people in my life. and they have taken me so well.
sometimes i don't get that either. what is it that we all share that can make us understand each other in that way? we are all so completely different. do they even know how interesting that is?

i wish more of my friends had blogs like this. i feel like it's putting a lot out there for people to see. and i want my friends to have some way that i could literally read about their lives. i mean we're all so different that we sometimes have a hard time understanding each other... sometimes things get misconstrued, things get twisted out of focus.
i feel like a journal could help to clarify. that's why i am so FOR journalism. sometimes words from the mouth cannot say words from the mind and the heart. sometimes it has to physically leave the body in a more concrete manner, otherwise, things one says can just floating in the space, completely unstable in meaning.
 
i'm a bit... 'tired'
it's a friday night and i'm almost 21... so sue me. i'm a big girl.
heheh. :)

life is about living, and that ain't no lie.
don't try to take that from me.

My Wonderfully Amazing, 21st B-Day

Well well well...
my 21st birthday is EXACTLY 2 weeks away. and i am absolutely STOKED!!!!!
i mean, not that i have plans to do ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!
GAH!
I mean, what am i supposed to do? ALL my friends are under 21! I am the 1st in my class of 21-year-olds!
Ok, i KNOW it seems like it might be awesome, but it's not. It's like not even turning 21 at all.

But when my buddy Tinster Cocco FINALLY turns 21 on March 20th, i will jump for joy as we stumble in and out of shady bars and nightclubs together. our plan is to walk into a bar, and confidently ask for 'cham-PAG-nay'... and we plan to get it.
HOW CAN THEY DENY US?! we'll be 21!!!

well i'm in. i don't care what you guys say.
I think i will look things up... within the next two weeks. maybe i'll ask around too. What's something REALLY amazingly fun to do, when your friends are all little under-aged babies?!!?!?!?


not that i don't love them. they are wonderful, all my little babies... but they are so very young...

BUT when TINA my LOVE FINALLY TURNS 21!!!!!!, we have a wonderful plan to go to LAS VEGAS where out lovely friend Tony DeLaCruz is HOPEFULLY going to get us into a little club, i'm sure you've heard of it...
PURE?!


can you say, VIP Lounge?
I can ;)

i think it's time i try this thing out again.
i think it could do me well, and i love to write for fun, so why not, really?
today i had work, again. boring ole work.
i still work at barnes and noble, making perfect lattes for the ungrateful and the unworthy.
i heard kean coffee in Newport Beach is hiring, and i think it might be beneficial to try for a job there.
at LEAST they get tips, right? that would help on a day to day basis and give me actual incentive to attend my job on a regular basis. cause right now, the pay is not even CLOSE to worth it for me.

um... what else did i want to mention... i felt like i had so much to say, now i am speechless... or write... less....
oh man. so i need to work on my lyrics... how can i do that? use big complicated words then rhyme them with things that don't rhyme? i mean, so far that's what it seems like all the other 'serious' musicians are doing.
i mean, it may not seem very cool to write simple, straightforward lyrics, but that's what i do, yo. i can't help it.
my lyrics are sweet and innocent and simple. i like them that way, but i don't think others do. and it doesn't really sound as amazing as it could sound, which i think is my only problem with it.
i mean, i want OTHER serious musicians to see me as a 'serious' musician...
is that so wrong?
it's hard to be friends with a bunch of those types and not have them take you seriously or not believe in you when you think they are amazing. and maybe they're NOT so amazing after all. maybe you're just a really amazingly awesome friend who thinks they're amazing, therefore they seem amazing.
but no, i'm just kidding, all my friends actually ARE amazing at music.

so that's my plan, to work on my lyrics and if they don't workout the way i want them too, fuck it. my regular lyrics aren't that bad by themselves anyway. i can't wait till someone believes in my music in a whole big way.


well, i am going to workout right now, improving for the better when there is nothing else to do.