i cut and dyed my hair.

Yes, that is me, right there, on the right hand side. the one with the black short hair. i dunno what to think about it right now, but i guess it's aight for now.
i think it's something very good. i think it's going to be something i am very happy about. my birthday is coming and i want to look amazing on the night.
what should i freaking DO!? i've had NO time to think about it.
i guess i'll look it up before i pass out, right? it's only 12:40am, that's plenty of time.
i need sleep eventually.

i guess i'm planning the party... which i don't mind doing, it's just not my thing. if it's up to me, i would just go to bars with everyone who is 21. that's the thing, it's going to be fun for me no matter what because i'm turning 21, and i get to drink the whole night if i want! i mean it's more about what my friends who are not yet 21 want to do.
like these little buddies in the picture above. that lovely lady is my roommate and sista from another mista, yasmine. that spiffy dressed kid next to me is one of my best, se-june. they are the loves of my life... though we are missing my beloved breanna.

anyway, it's getting late, and i guess i have a little party to plan?

one more pic.

oh, i do believe. :)

I have decided that being single when i turn 21 is going to be one of the most awesome things in the world.  i think it'll be good, it'll be nice.

i suddenly have had a really positive attitude about my upcoming birthday. before i was a little disappointed that it wasn't going to be the big hurrah i thought a 21st should be.
but, this weekend i jacuzzi-ed with some awesome people. you know how you meet someone and you feel some weird connection with them? like, geeze, this person is so awesome, i cannot wait to be friends with them. i met a really cool gal that is 21 and just HAPPENS to be in town the same weekend of my birthday, and since we got along so well, she and my other amazing friend, shauntis, are going to come and help me celebrate my 21st the RIGHT way. in bars and dancing the night away in clubs.
i am STOKED, to say the least.

it was just pure luck that i went to the jacuzzi that night and shauntis invited me to share in her night.
that night was awesome. it was me and three other girls, and shauntis, being the always gracious hostess that she is, had champagne, chocolate, and strawberries for us all to indulge in, while we sat in the jacuzzi and soothed ourselves in it's steaming water.
and we talked for hours, about life, about ex's, about new guys, about sex, and love, and life and school, and getting 'big girl' jobs. it was just what i needed after an 'interesting' easter with my mother.

and, i saw a shooting star. a huge, illuminated ball of light slowly making it's way to earth, just out of view of the girls i was with. and it felt... special, like it was a sign of change. is that stupid? i don't think so. i believe in signs... some signs. and this was for sure a sign.


a good one. ;)

i am PISSED.
i cannot wait to get home.

life has been so complicated recently.
sometimes i wonder why it has to be do confusing.
why cant the people we like, like us back, and the things we hate, disappear. i mean, would it really be SO bad if we got what we wished for at least some of the time? if we got the pony, or the boy did actually ask us to prom, or we got into the college of our dreams even though it seemed so impossible.
and i'm not going to lie, sometimes, things turn out just the way i want them to. and i'm never grateful, i'm just confused. and a little upset. why, when i don't really care about the true outcome can my wishes come true and when i REALLY REALLY care it doesn't even come close to what i'd like to occur.
there are people i have known in my past that i would have liked to have known forever, and i know few of them now. people from my past who i have loved as people and they are the ones i have absolutely no chance of knowing again.
 it's ok, i guess, it's just so disappointing at the same time. cause i actually miss those people... genuinely, as who they were, i miss them.
though i am so grateful for the people i know now, also.
tonight i had two very important conversations with two very important people in my life. and they have taken me so well.
sometimes i don't get that either. what is it that we all share that can make us understand each other in that way? we are all so completely different. do they even know how interesting that is?

i wish more of my friends had blogs like this. i feel like it's putting a lot out there for people to see. and i want my friends to have some way that i could literally read about their lives. i mean we're all so different that we sometimes have a hard time understanding each other... sometimes things get misconstrued, things get twisted out of focus.
i feel like a journal could help to clarify. that's why i am so FOR journalism. sometimes words from the mouth cannot say words from the mind and the heart. sometimes it has to physically leave the body in a more concrete manner, otherwise, things one says can just floating in the space, completely unstable in meaning.
 
i'm a bit... 'tired'
it's a friday night and i'm almost 21... so sue me. i'm a big girl.
heheh. :)

life is about living, and that ain't no lie.
don't try to take that from me.

My Wonderfully Amazing, 21st B-Day

Well well well...
my 21st birthday is EXACTLY 2 weeks away. and i am absolutely STOKED!!!!!
i mean, not that i have plans to do ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!
GAH!
I mean, what am i supposed to do? ALL my friends are under 21! I am the 1st in my class of 21-year-olds!
Ok, i KNOW it seems like it might be awesome, but it's not. It's like not even turning 21 at all.

But when my buddy Tinster Cocco FINALLY turns 21 on March 20th, i will jump for joy as we stumble in and out of shady bars and nightclubs together. our plan is to walk into a bar, and confidently ask for 'cham-PAG-nay'... and we plan to get it.
HOW CAN THEY DENY US?! we'll be 21!!!

well i'm in. i don't care what you guys say.
I think i will look things up... within the next two weeks. maybe i'll ask around too. What's something REALLY amazingly fun to do, when your friends are all little under-aged babies?!!?!?!?


not that i don't love them. they are wonderful, all my little babies... but they are so very young...

BUT when TINA my LOVE FINALLY TURNS 21!!!!!!, we have a wonderful plan to go to LAS VEGAS where out lovely friend Tony DeLaCruz is HOPEFULLY going to get us into a little club, i'm sure you've heard of it...
PURE?!


can you say, VIP Lounge?
I can ;)

i think it's time i try this thing out again.
i think it could do me well, and i love to write for fun, so why not, really?
today i had work, again. boring ole work.
i still work at barnes and noble, making perfect lattes for the ungrateful and the unworthy.
i heard kean coffee in Newport Beach is hiring, and i think it might be beneficial to try for a job there.
at LEAST they get tips, right? that would help on a day to day basis and give me actual incentive to attend my job on a regular basis. cause right now, the pay is not even CLOSE to worth it for me.

um... what else did i want to mention... i felt like i had so much to say, now i am speechless... or write... less....
oh man. so i need to work on my lyrics... how can i do that? use big complicated words then rhyme them with things that don't rhyme? i mean, so far that's what it seems like all the other 'serious' musicians are doing.
i mean, it may not seem very cool to write simple, straightforward lyrics, but that's what i do, yo. i can't help it.
my lyrics are sweet and innocent and simple. i like them that way, but i don't think others do. and it doesn't really sound as amazing as it could sound, which i think is my only problem with it.
i mean, i want OTHER serious musicians to see me as a 'serious' musician...
is that so wrong?
it's hard to be friends with a bunch of those types and not have them take you seriously or not believe in you when you think they are amazing. and maybe they're NOT so amazing after all. maybe you're just a really amazingly awesome friend who thinks they're amazing, therefore they seem amazing.
but no, i'm just kidding, all my friends actually ARE amazing at music.

so that's my plan, to work on my lyrics and if they don't workout the way i want them too, fuck it. my regular lyrics aren't that bad by themselves anyway. i can't wait till someone believes in my music in a whole big way.


well, i am going to workout right now, improving for the better when there is nothing else to do.