EDIT:: It seems people have been reading this blog incorrectly so I have taken the time to change the wording to make the post more understandable. Here we go again people!!

alright... i'll post something.

i have been feeling a lack of connection... with everyone.
i don't know how to regain that connection.


my band, rae nae & the badger, doesn't exist anymore due to... complications(see: Se-June Park got a girlfriend and therefore became a total PRICK who was no fun to be around and lost all his friends and for some reason whatever talent we though he had, and had his entire focus become a girl. not that we didn't think that would happen, we just never thought it would be to that degree. the girl herself had nothing to do with the break-up of the band and we all knew that already though I didn't think it had to be said, obviously it does).
it's not a big deal, i just... i want to keep making music and i haven't been able to even look at to guitar out of it's case. i even found the cord to the keyboard. there's NO reason for me not to be playing.
or writing... or singing, for that matter.

i guess i'm a bit depressed.
i lost my best friend to a girl (suprisa suprisa! who didn't see that coming?!), my sister has moved out of town, and life in general has been in a downward spiral. where's the hope?
 i WILL be fine. and i know that... somewhere inside i DO know that. but it's getting harder and harder to hold onto that idea... when it's taking SO.LONG.
but that's the thing about life... with time, comes change.
i just have to be patient, wait out the bad stuff, and TRY to progress, otherwise nothing will happen. i keep WAITING for something to come to me. i keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to get me up in the morning besides work. in the last 3 months, i've made up stuff to keep me getting up... and i'm running out. i'm running out of stuff to keep me loving my life.
which can only mean, it's time to start again... to crawl out of hiding and do what i love: sing, write, make music.
it's alright if i'm alone... people make music alone all the time. i KNOW i can do it.
i just wish i had something... to keep me going. something to keep me going.

does the whole... being bitter thing ever work for anyone? ever?
i mean, i'm just wondering.
i've been trying. i've been trying to be a positive lady, but it's been really hard.
tonight it was hard. tonight it was hard to put on the face. the face of invincibility.
it's not so bad to pretend to be happy when i'm very upset. it only eats at my soul a little bit, not too much.
anyway, i don't really want to write anymore.
i need to talk to someone, but there isn't really anyone...
but i guess i don't really mind. things lately have been less than exciting. i am less than excited about the future. I used to be so excited, so down to see what was to come.

i feel like i'm in one of those super obscure indie movies with a totally ambiguous plot and the story just seems to have no point. there are small ups, there are small downs, but for the most part, it is a life that is unnoticed.
it's hard to take accept that you may not be very important to any person inparticular. that there is no one who cares exactly where you are when you lie your head down at night.
and at the same time, who is that person from my end... my sister? but she's under other people's protection, not mine anymore.
but i'm ok.
i guess i'm ok.

i have to be ok right? cause life will go on, and life is short, and we all time it for granted and all that other stuff they tell you to make you feel better about a dull life.
alrighty,

here we go, whether we like it or not, better make the best of it.

I am in London right now, on tour with Make Moon, formerly Dolphin City of Newport Beach, California.

So this is London.
I have good things to report, as well as bad.
One of the things I am having a hard time getting over, are the streets. The streets are SO DIRTY I can hardly believe it. When I walk down the street and the wind blows, I'm afraid that if I'm talking, trash will fly into my mouth. I must say, I have never had this fear before, so I know that I have never been anywhere that has this much trash on the ground.
However, the night life here, is awesome! People drink till 6 am, and stumble home on public transport, stopping at the local chip shops for food to soak up the liquor that's sloshing around inside their bellies. At night, people are friendly as the goal is the same, get WASTED and try to make it home.

This is one crazy town.

Love. It.

I'm finishing this almost a year later, but I figure better late than never!

Wandering Minds

gahh...

i hate to make my dad cry.
i don't know where it comes from. he just starts crying, about something between us.
i never know what to do, it just makes me cry back.
so then we're sitting there, both crying, and i'm trying to comfort him, and i feel helpless.
my dad is one of the most amazing people i know.
he's also one of the most stubborn, one of the most juvenile, but he still remains at the top of the amazing people i know.
he's definitely the most amazing man i know, that is for sure.
i don't know how he does it, he makes me feel so lazy, the way he works so hard.
and it's all for us, his kids, his offspring.

today he cried again, as a result of me.
he told me we are so close, don't i remember all the things we used to do together, how he would take care of me.
'linnae, i cleaned your diapers, man! don't you remember?'
'yes dad, i remember, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, i'm really sorry...'
'i was not going to talk to you, linnae, i was not going to talk to you.'
'i'm sorry dad, really, i'm so sorry.'

it sucks that sometimes you have to call a person just so that you can get the verbal abuse you deserve.

well well well.
i'm going to london in a little while... about a week.
i cannot wait.
but at the same time, i am, of course, incredibly stressed.

i have about... 5 very important things that need to happen before i go on this trip:

1. send transcripts from occ/ivc to uci to ensure that i can actually go there next semester. (june 8th)
   
2. find my FUCKING passport! scratch that, my DAD needs to find my passport that he took from me, for... 'safe keeping' (june 13th... FUCK)
   
3. pack my shit in storage for an entire month (june 12th)
   
4. play the church show on friday (june12th)
5. find money to survive in london for a month (june 12th)
   (see find)
6. attend my brothers UCLA graduation the day i leave for london (june 13th)

see, i wrote 3 to begin with, then i realized... that i have actually more. then i wrote 5, thinking, no i'll just do 5, i know it's probably 5.
but no, it is 6.
it is 6.

anyway i plan to post things in here, lot of things in here. i want to post pictures, and websites, and you know... shit like that. shit that i love.

anyway, i'm in san diego to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday.
she's taking me on a shopping spree and we're going to get our hair did.
get our nails did.
i am excited, but, more concerned for my sanity than anything else, i would say. my sanity is at jeapordy here more than anything else.

i'm planning to dye my hair lighter tomorrow.
we'll see how that works out.
i'll either look really hot,
really bad,
or exactly the same as i do right now with multicolored hair.

wish me luck.