And with it came the light.

Alright that's IT!!
I'm going to stop being a chicken and just WRITE.
SO HELLO. i hope you feel I am being forceful, as that is what I intend to imply.
Why am I chicken? Well that's none of your goddamn business, nosey!!
Life right now... I must say, is not at all bad. I just got my macbook pro in the mail on friday. in the shower when it arrived, got out and saw the package leaning against my door. I feel bad making all those weird noises whenever I get a package in the mail. Like, 'GAHHHHH!!! YAAHHH!!! WOOOAAHHH!' something like that.
I couldn't even wait to dry off/put clothes on. I just ripped opened the package and started setting it up. It felt so weird. this awesome piece of machinery belongs to ME! I get to put my name in it's system, I get to fuck it up with music downloads and unstable sites. Yay!!

Most importantly, I have no any excuse not to be putting out new music. So as much as I've been looking forward to getting this thing, I've also been dreading it. From here on out, it's all hard work. Dang it. But yay :D
So Friday I got the puter... on the same day Barbara asked me if I would play at the Lab for the Artery Art Opening on December 4th.... and today I had a jam sesh with Mr. Jones. Got Adam on the bandwagon for the show as well. Tried to records a little today in between the jamming and going to the Blank Tapes show in Laguna, but realized it's a little hard to record when I don't have headphones so that ended abruptly. However, when we met up with Ben before the show I told him about wanting to record and gee golly, that guy gave me a pair of headphones, a mic and a mic cord to hook up to my interface. Love that guy.  Seriously, best guy ever.

SO. tomorrow, after my 10 to 5, I'm probably going to be held-up in my room blowing shit up. On my compy. I'm still testing this thing out though. Seeing how it does with my huge amount of photo downloads right now.
Awesome. This thing is awesome. It may take a little getting to know, a little feeling up, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I just keep accidentally enlarging and shrinking the screen occasionally.

BUT, I am officially, a mac user.
And I officially have no excuse. So. Anyone wanna jam?? Hit me UP.

On a different note (sort of), it's no fun having to wear work clothes all week long. It sucks. There's barely any room for personal expression. Although, I must say, I love my job(s). I love all the people I'm meeting everyday. Making connections with people, but if I don't think it's genuine, I don't bother. Let's not waste each others time, right?

Oh my, Mother's. It's awesome. I love the people I work with. Everyday is an adventure. I mean, it's work, but at the same time, seeing these people every week, whether we'd like to admit it or not, we're growing together, we're learning together. We experience the same atmospheres, the same ambiance in the same place.... basically wearing the same clothes. How can we not be connected? I feel it.
Kean is the same. I feel like we really try to hold onto our difference from other workplaces there. We don't let the fact that we're at work effect our personalities. What really makes that work is that Keanians (as I like to call them) are all very personable. I mean seriously though, check out our ratings on yelp.com. We get a 4.5/5 stars with 255 voters. That's fucking great. And personalized latte art on every hot cup (with foam of course), I mean honestly, I'm not being bias, we're awesome. But we don't have overstuffed chair(s), I don't know why you lie so. Yelpers should ALMOST never be trusted. They tell people we have big couches and overstuffed chairs... really? Where are they? We have one couch. And you weren't the first to sit there. Just sayin.
Alright well! On that positive note, I'm off. We've had enough.

Next time  I post, I almost promise a video.... probably not though but hey, crazier things have happened.

p.s. just finished Factotum, wishing I had read more slowly as it was amazing and I would have liked to savor his genius, but people were giving me funny looks. I guess I don't look like your typical Bukowski reader, but what do 'those people' look like anyway??
Anyway, I need a new book now so I'm open to suggestions.

Expressing an Interest in Taking it All Off

It's weird, no? Having your own thoughts online for people to read... to scrutinize? It's so weird.
But still, there's something about it that appeals to me. The idea that maybe the words you put out there are reaching someone on more than just a surface level. And I think, for where I want to be in the future, how exposed I am as a song-writer, as a lyricist... I'm already naked. Literally just the physical nakedness is left to expose. And I'm not getting naked for you so don't ask.
But who really CARES about all the outside stuff anyway? I believe that none of these outside effects really matter. The good stuff is on the insides. The guts. The guts are the good stuff that people have. If you have rotten guts, no matter what kind of FREAKISH things you do to yourself on the outside, to your shell, people will eventually get a whiff, of the stench that lie-th beneath. And BOY, can it smell.
I think this principle applies in multiple situations. The connotation I'm making seems to directly relate to looks and altering ones outside appearance, but that's not what I mean.
What I mean is the daily person one presents to the outside world. The everyday "hello," or the passing fake smile or the complete disregard for life or a lacking in human compassion, that stuff smells. And though one may be able to fool others for a while with their potpourri smiles and their "new car" scented teeth, someone will smell it. It will seep out and it just spreads from there. So honestly, it's understandable that some are afraid of this concept. I think people appreciate traits with more depth than the shallow attempt at interest in another or some how falsifying even general kindness. Traits that are hard to come by.
Such traits may include but are not limited to :

1. Sense of Humor
2. Sense of Humility
3. Acceptance and Admittance of Wrongful Actions
4. Honesty

Does anyone else feel like I do, like when you find a person that has even ONE of these qualities, you're just... drawn to them. There's nothing I like more than a person who can laugh, who can laugh at themselves and one who can admit they're wrong. Combine that with a person who will be honest with you when you REALLY need it, it's absolutely priceless.

 There are only a handful of people I know like that. And there's no need to even mention names, they know who they are.  But I think the only reason I know this list myself, is because we've discussed it in detail. Let's laugh at EVERYTHING. Let's laugh at OURSELVES, cause shit, we funny and we do some really dumb shit sometimes too. Let's just fucking ADMIT when we're wrong! For god-sakes! I'm not going to judge you! You know you're wrong, I know you're wrong, but the only person who needs to admit that, is you! And more important than all the others and the hardest to practice, let's just be honest. Honest about each other, about the world around us, about the future, the past and the present. Because projecting some kind of alternate reality onto the world in front of us isn't going to mean shit. If that continues, one day, we'll wake up, reality will be staring us right in the face, and we wont be able to handle it. And it will be our own faults. 

So, shall we?
Yes, let's.

Oh man oh man oh MAN!
Life is good. Seriously, I am headed exactly in the right direction.
It's so funny how we take these little detours, trying to find out which path to take, but then when you find it, it's like, traffic is smooth, weather is nice and you've got a full tank of gas.
I love it!
Finally started saving up some money for the days to come. I have about 200 in my saving right now and every week a new paycheck in my checking, it's fucking awesome. I love my life.

My new buddy Adam and I have been going to just about every music event we can find in Orange County and let me tell ya, for a place that's supposed to be so "up and coming" in music, there aren't THAT many things happening here! It's all in LA! It's ridiculous, hahah! But I've been meeting so many people and they all ask me what I'm doing and where I'm going and what not. Adam knows E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.
Last week I got to see Dagha Blooms practice space where they held their last warehouse party, and let me tell you, I don't think I've seen a cooler space than that. I wish it was open to the PUBLIC! that's how fucking cool it is. They played their new song for us, which is EPIC. I felt privileged, to see the magic in action. I'm very lucky, I realize that more and more everyday.

Not to mention I finally had a few days off to hang with Benji and Yaz-dizzle. I love them, I always have such a good time with them. It's like the good ole days, when everyone got along and egos weren't flaring out of the roof. We're just friends, plan and simple. There for each other, caring about each other, it makes me a bit nostalgic, but then I realize, I wouldn't be where I am today, if it wasn't for all the events that occurred. Everything happens for a reason! It's our job to learn from our past mistakes, and keep making more, heheh :D

Work has been pretty awesome also. We get so many benefits at Mother's and the owner comes into Kean everyday so we're buds. I can't complain. I really can't complain. It's all experience to move me into the next step of my life.
I can't wait till I don't have to work two jobs to pay rent, till I can start playing music full time!!!! GAHH!!
And just wait! Within the next few months I'm getting my iMac and I'll be RECORDING! Hahahah!
My mouth just waters thinking about all the possibilities.... gahhhhh--->mouth watering.

Anyway, visiting Breanna at the end of this month, visiting Portland at the end of NEXT month and December? Who knows about December, so many things could happen between now and then, I don't even want to jinx myself. Let's just say, karma is not always just a bitch, sometimes it is a good-humored gentleman. And we're going to get it on.

hehehe.

OH OH OH! MY camera is up and running again, which MEANS, life is wonderful. This weather has been PERFECT for shooting outside, the clouds create the most beautiful defused lighting you can imagine. Everyone is beautiful in this light, even if they're not happy about the weather.

But I just wanted to write about the stuff that makes my world go round, because sometimes I forget all the ways in which I'm privileged.  I've got friends who love me, family I would die for and I'm meeting more people everyday. I've got a roof over my head, a car, food on my plate and if you didn't know, I'm a progessive human being, everyday means trying to become better in every way. Life. Is. Grand.
Wouldn't dare ask for more, I'll just go out and get it :P

So many pictures to chooooose from! Which shall prevail!?

Justice of the Universe

I haven't been writing when I've wanted to because now that I know others can read this, I've had the idea that I have to write something for others to read.
But this isn't about you, for once, you asshole. This is about me.
And it doesn't benefit me to keep a blog for the sole purpose of entertaining others.

So I'm just going to write as I have before... before I went public.
Candid, organic and most probably boring to everyone except myself.
But again, this is about me, so it doesn't matter if others are entertained.

I was thinking today about how some things never go the way you plan them... I mean not exactly.
I used to get really annoyed by that concept, it used to make me so frustrated. Like, why the FUCK did I specifically plan this shit out moment by moment, if you (speaking to the universe now) are going to go and fuck EVERYTHING up?!
That's how I feel now. This Wednesday my roommate, my friend and I had a big road trip planned to SF. We were going to pop on over to Big Sur, make our way to Santa Cruz, hang at the Mystery Spot for a minute and MOST IMPORTANTLY visit my sister,. It's all gone to shit now. Everything saved and planned was in vain (why do people use that phrase? shouldn't the response to that be: it was always in vain to begin with?). There's no point in even talking about it anymore, I should just pretend it was never planned because it's not happening.
However, I now have 5 4 days off from work with nothing planned and the same fervor I've had to leave this godforsaken hell of a town for just a brief moment of time.
Another thing I learned from this happening so much in my life is exactly this; when one door closes, another door opens. Everything evens itself out. That's how the world works. If you want to look at a plan taking a turn as a negative thing, that's exactly what it will be, negative. Which is how I was looking at it but I'm making up my mind to be excited about what else this could mean. I have no idea what new opportunities will be laid in my path now and THAT, my friends, is exciting.
I still need to get the fuck out of this place in the near future for my own sanity* at some point. It's not a joke, this place is a whirling pool of doom and destruction. But if you go up for some fresh air and sunlight, you can live survive under the thick cloak of  Chanel perfume and weed haze that covers OC, for a while longer. So that's what I'll do.

I'm working 10 11 days in a row this... I don't even know what to call it, it's just going to be 11 days straight. I'm at day 9 tomorrow. Now that's an accomplishment. Not that I didn't do that while I was in San Diego, but this is so much more than that, I love it. I love growing up, I love becoming more responsible and getting more wisdom as each day passes. I always knew I would love to grow up.
I don't love to work 11 days in a row, but it means I'll have money for rent, bills, gas, food, and maybe this month I'll even buy myself something new... like from a regular store. Like, you know, not from Goodwill or Salvation or even Crossroads. Maybe I'll stroll right into Banana Republic and buy myself some new pants.
I mean... the only thing I can justify buying new right now is work pants AND festival tickets (HEY, so sue me! I'm a musician!)... but ya know what!? Fuck it! Caution to the wind! Maybe I'll even get a new work shirt too! hahahaha. I love that my life is all about working right now. Cause that means as soon as Takuji gets back, I can allow myself to be fully submersed in music and we can get this album out of our souls and into others, because I'll have money saved up and I wont be living on free leftover food from Mothers. Yayy!


Alright well. If you made it through...... I have nothing for you.

*many OC'ers don't understand this concept 'the bubble' is not a myth people!!

What Dreams May Come

Last night a had a really weird dream and I actually feel as though dreams can be really helpful for waking life, so I tried to remember as much of it as possible so I could write it down.

My dreams usually play out like a movie. Scene set in some place I've never been, some city I've probably seen in a movie. For some reason, this dream revolved around me trying to save my ex from a cult.

So it's starts like this: My ex-boyfriends mom comes to me and says her son is in town and he's joined some shady group of people. Just as she says that, there's the shady group of people walking by on the opposite side of the street. How convenient, right?

So, these people, they look pretty normal. Kinda hipster-ish, maybe lacking in color a bit. So, they don't really look that shady to me, but whatever, she's a Christian, and by my experience all Christians seem to think if you're not a Christian by choice, you're probably shady. So that's what I'm thinking in the dream.

She tells me they've brainwashed her son and that I'm the only one who can help him.

So I go, to the rescue of my ex, into the building where I the shady, non-Christian hipsters go. I pretend to the leader to be interested in joining, even though I have no idea what it is I would be joining. He let's me sit around while they conducted business, though I'm not really sure what "business" was. All I know is I heard the words "Devil" and "Worship" and that's when I knew this was more than just some confused group of hipster-fucks sitting in the dark. Suddenly I was aware of an abscess amount of candles on the table and the eerie red spray painted symbols on the walls. The table the boss was sitting at had some kind of throne... I dunno it was a fucking dream, everything was a blur.

So I guess a few days has gone by and I'm not talking to my ex because I don't want him to think I'm actually there to save him, I'm just... you know, trying new things.

Then one night, we move out to the balcony and by this point the dream has completely cut my ex out of the subject of focus and he's just a background character. I'm pretty stoked about this in my dream too because I'm really getting into the role of "pretend devil-worshiper rescue girl" only without someone I have to rescue, cause then it's less pressure. Not to mention in the dream he seems to not really be into the cult at all, he barely talks and he's just kind of a background person in the whole situation.

So I'm sitting on this balcony like I said, with the leader of the group and some other minions of his, and we're just talking and what not. Then, out of no where, a body wrapped in a white cloth is dangling above us, the feet of the body are at the same position as out heads, just a little above. We all look up, the leader is kind of nonchalant as he talks to some people in the balcony above. Tells them to "take him down, get him out of the way."  As soon as I find out who it is I start crying hysterically and no one seems to care or notice that I'm crying. The whole I'm I'm thinking 'I can't believe I let this happen.' My ex killed himself. And no one seems to care but me.

For some reason, this is the point at which I wake up. I tried to fall back asleep, to think of something better to wake up to, but every time I closed my eyes I'd think of the body hanging above. About him as a dead person. Quite depressing really. Anyway whenever I have dreams like that, I like to look them up, find out what the FUCK that was about.

So here's what I looked up, according to Dream Dictionary:

• Hanging - To watch a hanging in your dream, represents feelings of insecurity. The hanging may symbolize aspects of yourself that you want to eliminate.
• Devil - The devil represents intelligence, cunningness, deception, and cleverness.
• Cult - To see a cult in your dream, indicates that you are lacking any spiritual freedom. 
• Cry - To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.  
• Cry (Part 2) -To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

 So yah... I dunno that was a weird dream. It makes sense though... everything.

Sip Sip from the Cup of Life

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking with that title. Just came to mind randomly.

So life has changed a bit again. But that's not really important. Life is a constant changing. That's what makes it so lovely, so unpredictable.
Well I will say, I've moved into my dream home with my bandmates Takuji and Hoshiki, who also happen to be two of my best friends. We also have a resident bandmate Paul who may as well live here, he's also one of my best friends.
Here we spend nights with our beat-educed strobe light creating shapes across our living room walls as we jam out random songs about everyday life. Our little haven. The living room is the best place to be, drumset in the middle of the room, guitars and amps line the walls, we used to have a PA, but as far as noise goes, it's probably best we don't for now (we can get a little crazy).
Life is amazing. Before Takuji planned his trip for Japan, new Cosmodelion had finished writing 5-6 solid good songs together with me as the singer. This month, as Takuji is gone, Timothy "Human" Anderson will be occupying the otherwise empty room. It's been a nice addition having Human around. He is a photographer like I used to call myself so it motivates me to bring out my old clunker occasionally to snap a photo here or there.
Cosmodelion is the best band I've ever been in. I mean these guys are serious about music and serious about experiencing life. It's the perfect combination for success and for me. These guys are exactly what I needed.
Serious musicians. It's like, a dream come true!
This house in general is a dream come true.
Just try to imagine: Living with your bandmates so even if you get home at 11pm you can STILL have a midnight jam sesh, the music you make is ACTUALLY GOOD, the people you make it with don't have an ego so there's always room for improvement. Everyday is one step closer to where you want to be.
But isn't that the point? The journey?

I can't believe my luck. After everything you go through, you never really know if it is worth it.
But even if this is the end, this is worth it.
I am SO happy.
I'm working two jobs, 6 days a week and my car just got towed but I don't remember a time I've been more pleased with my life. This is my yellow brick road. I found it.

Finnnaallllyyyyyyyyyy.
ohmigod cannnntwaiittttttt.

"What Makes You Think You're the One"

The title of this entry is a song by: Fanfarlo

I'm in the process of making the hardest decision of my life in the next few days, and I can't get away with not writing about it.

I'm making a decision that has delivered many sleepless nights, created intense anxiety and finally the feeling is going away. Because I've made the decision.

It all began with my first band, Rae Nae and the Badger, a name I've avoided saying/writing/thinking about for the past 8 months. I was ashamed of the name, Rae Nae and the Badger. Not because of the music, not because of the members, but because I put my decision not to go to UCSB last fall on the shoulders of that band. I made all the members promise me I was making the right decision to stay and continue playing with them. I made Se-June, Vanessa and Ben promise that they would stay dedicated to the band no matter what issues we had, or what music we played. We would focus on our music, above all else.

Then I left for London with Make Moon, hoping to learn something from all the success I saw them have locally. I wanted what they had and I thought that if I went with them, some of that hardworking genius ora to rub off on me. What I learned I took with me... but it wasn't what I thought I'd learn. I learned to be independent, not to depend on others to have a good time or to see the world, which I should have learned in Spain when I went with Tina.
Having the desire to explore and get all that I can out of my time in a foreign country is something I've had to relearn every time I have the chance to go

I had fully planned to go to school this coming fall semester, whatever school I went to.

But now, I'm making a more concrete plan, and YET it is much less sturdy. 

The plan is to focus on music. From now until.... until I die.

Trying to explain to my mother that I didn't need to graduate from any prestigious university to do what I REALLY wanted to do for the rest of my life, was the hardest thing I've ever done.... probably. 

But she was the one, the first one who inspired me to do this. As all mothers and fathers do, my mom told me, 'Linnae, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.' I believed her more when I was younger, and now, as I mature, I believe that statement even more. 

Even though she has stopped saying that statement, I can never forget it. It is ingrained into my existence.
Mom, I'm sorry that when you said that to me, what you REALLY meant was, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as it's what you want me to do. 

I believed you. Don't deny me now.

I am going after the big dream. Because the only way to make a dream into a reality, is to believe. 

It's fucking scary, but I feel more clarity of mind now than ever before.

This is IT. This is truly IT.

Life. 

Now take it or leave it.

I'm going to take it. by the balls.

....had to :P