And with it came the light.

Alright that's IT!!
I'm going to stop being a chicken and just WRITE.
SO HELLO. i hope you feel I am being forceful, as that is what I intend to imply.
Why am I chicken? Well that's none of your goddamn business, nosey!!
Life right now... I must say, is not at all bad. I just got my macbook pro in the mail on friday. in the shower when it arrived, got out and saw the package leaning against my door. I feel bad making all those weird noises whenever I get a package in the mail. Like, 'GAHHHHH!!! YAAHHH!!! WOOOAAHHH!' something like that.
I couldn't even wait to dry off/put clothes on. I just ripped opened the package and started setting it up. It felt so weird. this awesome piece of machinery belongs to ME! I get to put my name in it's system, I get to fuck it up with music downloads and unstable sites. Yay!!

Most importantly, I have no any excuse not to be putting out new music. So as much as I've been looking forward to getting this thing, I've also been dreading it. From here on out, it's all hard work. Dang it. But yay :D
So Friday I got the puter... on the same day Barbara asked me if I would play at the Lab for the Artery Art Opening on December 4th.... and today I had a jam sesh with Mr. Jones. Got Adam on the bandwagon for the show as well. Tried to records a little today in between the jamming and going to the Blank Tapes show in Laguna, but realized it's a little hard to record when I don't have headphones so that ended abruptly. However, when we met up with Ben before the show I told him about wanting to record and gee golly, that guy gave me a pair of headphones, a mic and a mic cord to hook up to my interface. Love that guy.  Seriously, best guy ever.

SO. tomorrow, after my 10 to 5, I'm probably going to be held-up in my room blowing shit up. On my compy. I'm still testing this thing out though. Seeing how it does with my huge amount of photo downloads right now.
Awesome. This thing is awesome. It may take a little getting to know, a little feeling up, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I just keep accidentally enlarging and shrinking the screen occasionally.

BUT, I am officially, a mac user.
And I officially have no excuse. So. Anyone wanna jam?? Hit me UP.

On a different note (sort of), it's no fun having to wear work clothes all week long. It sucks. There's barely any room for personal expression. Although, I must say, I love my job(s). I love all the people I'm meeting everyday. Making connections with people, but if I don't think it's genuine, I don't bother. Let's not waste each others time, right?

Oh my, Mother's. It's awesome. I love the people I work with. Everyday is an adventure. I mean, it's work, but at the same time, seeing these people every week, whether we'd like to admit it or not, we're growing together, we're learning together. We experience the same atmospheres, the same ambiance in the same place.... basically wearing the same clothes. How can we not be connected? I feel it.
Kean is the same. I feel like we really try to hold onto our difference from other workplaces there. We don't let the fact that we're at work effect our personalities. What really makes that work is that Keanians (as I like to call them) are all very personable. I mean seriously though, check out our ratings on yelp.com. We get a 4.5/5 stars with 255 voters. That's fucking great. And personalized latte art on every hot cup (with foam of course), I mean honestly, I'm not being bias, we're awesome. But we don't have overstuffed chair(s), I don't know why you lie so. Yelpers should ALMOST never be trusted. They tell people we have big couches and overstuffed chairs... really? Where are they? We have one couch. And you weren't the first to sit there. Just sayin.
Alright well! On that positive note, I'm off. We've had enough.

Next time  I post, I almost promise a video.... probably not though but hey, crazier things have happened.

p.s. just finished Factotum, wishing I had read more slowly as it was amazing and I would have liked to savor his genius, but people were giving me funny looks. I guess I don't look like your typical Bukowski reader, but what do 'those people' look like anyway??
Anyway, I need a new book now so I'm open to suggestions.

Expressing an Interest in Taking it All Off

It's weird, no? Having your own thoughts online for people to read... to scrutinize? It's so weird.
But still, there's something about it that appeals to me. The idea that maybe the words you put out there are reaching someone on more than just a surface level. And I think, for where I want to be in the future, how exposed I am as a song-writer, as a lyricist... I'm already naked. Literally just the physical nakedness is left to expose. And I'm not getting naked for you so don't ask.
But who really CARES about all the outside stuff anyway? I believe that none of these outside effects really matter. The good stuff is on the insides. The guts. The guts are the good stuff that people have. If you have rotten guts, no matter what kind of FREAKISH things you do to yourself on the outside, to your shell, people will eventually get a whiff, of the stench that lie-th beneath. And BOY, can it smell.
I think this principle applies in multiple situations. The connotation I'm making seems to directly relate to looks and altering ones outside appearance, but that's not what I mean.
What I mean is the daily person one presents to the outside world. The everyday "hello," or the passing fake smile or the complete disregard for life or a lacking in human compassion, that stuff smells. And though one may be able to fool others for a while with their potpourri smiles and their "new car" scented teeth, someone will smell it. It will seep out and it just spreads from there. So honestly, it's understandable that some are afraid of this concept. I think people appreciate traits with more depth than the shallow attempt at interest in another or some how falsifying even general kindness. Traits that are hard to come by.
Such traits may include but are not limited to :

1. Sense of Humor
2. Sense of Humility
3. Acceptance and Admittance of Wrongful Actions
4. Honesty

Does anyone else feel like I do, like when you find a person that has even ONE of these qualities, you're just... drawn to them. There's nothing I like more than a person who can laugh, who can laugh at themselves and one who can admit they're wrong. Combine that with a person who will be honest with you when you REALLY need it, it's absolutely priceless.

 There are only a handful of people I know like that. And there's no need to even mention names, they know who they are.  But I think the only reason I know this list myself, is because we've discussed it in detail. Let's laugh at EVERYTHING. Let's laugh at OURSELVES, cause shit, we funny and we do some really dumb shit sometimes too. Let's just fucking ADMIT when we're wrong! For god-sakes! I'm not going to judge you! You know you're wrong, I know you're wrong, but the only person who needs to admit that, is you! And more important than all the others and the hardest to practice, let's just be honest. Honest about each other, about the world around us, about the future, the past and the present. Because projecting some kind of alternate reality onto the world in front of us isn't going to mean shit. If that continues, one day, we'll wake up, reality will be staring us right in the face, and we wont be able to handle it. And it will be our own faults. 

So, shall we?
Yes, let's.

"What Makes You Think You're the One"

The title of this entry is a song by: Fanfarlo

I'm in the process of making the hardest decision of my life in the next few days, and I can't get away with not writing about it.

I'm making a decision that has delivered many sleepless nights, created intense anxiety and finally the feeling is going away. Because I've made the decision.

It all began with my first band, Rae Nae and the Badger, a name I've avoided saying/writing/thinking about for the past 8 months. I was ashamed of the name, Rae Nae and the Badger. Not because of the music, not because of the members, but because I put my decision not to go to UCSB last fall on the shoulders of that band. I made all the members promise me I was making the right decision to stay and continue playing with them. I made Se-June, Vanessa and Ben promise that they would stay dedicated to the band no matter what issues we had, or what music we played. We would focus on our music, above all else.

Then I left for London with Make Moon, hoping to learn something from all the success I saw them have locally. I wanted what they had and I thought that if I went with them, some of that hardworking genius ora to rub off on me. What I learned I took with me... but it wasn't what I thought I'd learn. I learned to be independent, not to depend on others to have a good time or to see the world, which I should have learned in Spain when I went with Tina.
Having the desire to explore and get all that I can out of my time in a foreign country is something I've had to relearn every time I have the chance to go

I had fully planned to go to school this coming fall semester, whatever school I went to.

But now, I'm making a more concrete plan, and YET it is much less sturdy. 

The plan is to focus on music. From now until.... until I die.

Trying to explain to my mother that I didn't need to graduate from any prestigious university to do what I REALLY wanted to do for the rest of my life, was the hardest thing I've ever done.... probably. 

But she was the one, the first one who inspired me to do this. As all mothers and fathers do, my mom told me, 'Linnae, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.' I believed her more when I was younger, and now, as I mature, I believe that statement even more. 

Even though she has stopped saying that statement, I can never forget it. It is ingrained into my existence.
Mom, I'm sorry that when you said that to me, what you REALLY meant was, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as it's what you want me to do. 

I believed you. Don't deny me now.

I am going after the big dream. Because the only way to make a dream into a reality, is to believe. 

It's fucking scary, but I feel more clarity of mind now than ever before.

This is IT. This is truly IT.

Life. 

Now take it or leave it.

I'm going to take it. by the balls.

....had to :P

too little too late.

the title doesn't really mean anything, it's just something i was thinking.
randomly.
so life has been pretty regular. which, believe me, i am not complaining about.
though...
i do wish things were just a bit more exciting.
this weekend should be pretty stoke-enabling, hehe.
i love that you can pretty much make up words as long as you throw a little '-' in there. like remember-able. hehe. i dunno why you wouldn't just say memorable... but still, if you wanted, you could do that.
um... i don't really have anything to write about...
oh!
so this weekend should be pretty fun. kenny wants to head down to san diego for at least part of the weekend, so i'm stoked. i think maybe ben and sj are coming? i dunno for sure.
i have work on sunday but who cares, hehe. i don't. they need to pay me more. i work so hard. but apparently i'm up for a promotion. 'shift leader'. which would be actually really cool, just cause i'd be the the only one, and the cafe manager would be new, so it's basically everyone coming to me when they have questions.
but they do that anyway. which is why i should have more money. hhaha.

well i've got work. same ole same ole.
the drone.
me.

times to decide

i feel like laying low for a while.
this week i have been trying so hard, doing everything i'm supposed to.
and now, as good as i felt, i'm tired. i'm tired of trying SO hard.
other people can try now if they want. i'm passing the torch. everyone, give me a break for a while, yeah? let me sleep, let me work-out and work... oh yah and sleep.

i think i want to leave orange county. i think it's finally time. there is just no progress for me here. i have nothing really here for me anymore besides the people around me. but lately i've felt like i need something more, something that seems so hard to get here. i am constantly debating whether to move across the country, or to move an hour away. wherever i am it'll be completely different than where i am here. and i think that's what i want. i certainly think, but i dunno for sure.
i think i'll have to think about it. a lot. a lot a lot a lot. 
goodbye relaxation.

sandwiches for breakfasts

i'm listening to the metric station on pandora radio (GREAT THING IF YOU HAVE NOT DISCOVERED IT). and then 'April 29th, 1992' by sublime came on...

i love pandora radio, but maybe they're stretching it a bit, no?
i hate it even more when because it's a female artist, or singer, they ONLY play other female artists. how annoying is that?
so have you ever tried an asian pear? they are like, half apple, half pear.
i LOVE them, which is funny, because i really dislike red apples with those stupid impossible thick skins. and i really dislike pears cause they get old so quickly and feel dry on the inside.
but the asian pear is the perfect combination of the two. it's really juicy, the skin is easily broken with teeth, and it's fun to eat cause it's not too sweet.
so, my birthday is tomorow. and how ironic 'Free to Stay' by smoosh is on...'today, pretty soon it'll be tomorrow...'
it's true. in only... well i don't want to count the hours, but yes, i was born almost exactly 24 hours and 21 years ago.
my dad figured out that this is my real birth anniversary. i seriously cannot wait, ya'll.
actually... to be honest, i can wait. i mean... don't tell anyone, but i am as much apprehensive about turning 21 as i am excited.

it's a lot of pressure. i am the 1st of my closer friends to turn 21. but i drink so little. the being driven by slightly intoxicated under agers to the liquor store @ 1 am really doesn't sound that appealing to me. call me crazy.
but yeah...

i cut and dyed my hair.

Yes, that is me, right there, on the right hand side. the one with the black short hair. i dunno what to think about it right now, but i guess it's aight for now.
i think it's something very good. i think it's going to be something i am very happy about. my birthday is coming and i want to look amazing on the night.
what should i freaking DO!? i've had NO time to think about it.
i guess i'll look it up before i pass out, right? it's only 12:40am, that's plenty of time.
i need sleep eventually.

i guess i'm planning the party... which i don't mind doing, it's just not my thing. if it's up to me, i would just go to bars with everyone who is 21. that's the thing, it's going to be fun for me no matter what because i'm turning 21, and i get to drink the whole night if i want! i mean it's more about what my friends who are not yet 21 want to do.
like these little buddies in the picture above. that lovely lady is my roommate and sista from another mista, yasmine. that spiffy dressed kid next to me is one of my best, se-june. they are the loves of my life... though we are missing my beloved breanna.

anyway, it's getting late, and i guess i have a little party to plan?

one more pic.

life has been so complicated recently.
sometimes i wonder why it has to be do confusing.
why cant the people we like, like us back, and the things we hate, disappear. i mean, would it really be SO bad if we got what we wished for at least some of the time? if we got the pony, or the boy did actually ask us to prom, or we got into the college of our dreams even though it seemed so impossible.
and i'm not going to lie, sometimes, things turn out just the way i want them to. and i'm never grateful, i'm just confused. and a little upset. why, when i don't really care about the true outcome can my wishes come true and when i REALLY REALLY care it doesn't even come close to what i'd like to occur.
there are people i have known in my past that i would have liked to have known forever, and i know few of them now. people from my past who i have loved as people and they are the ones i have absolutely no chance of knowing again.
 it's ok, i guess, it's just so disappointing at the same time. cause i actually miss those people... genuinely, as who they were, i miss them.
though i am so grateful for the people i know now, also.
tonight i had two very important conversations with two very important people in my life. and they have taken me so well.
sometimes i don't get that either. what is it that we all share that can make us understand each other in that way? we are all so completely different. do they even know how interesting that is?

i wish more of my friends had blogs like this. i feel like it's putting a lot out there for people to see. and i want my friends to have some way that i could literally read about their lives. i mean we're all so different that we sometimes have a hard time understanding each other... sometimes things get misconstrued, things get twisted out of focus.
i feel like a journal could help to clarify. that's why i am so FOR journalism. sometimes words from the mouth cannot say words from the mind and the heart. sometimes it has to physically leave the body in a more concrete manner, otherwise, things one says can just floating in the space, completely unstable in meaning.
 
i'm a bit... 'tired'
it's a friday night and i'm almost 21... so sue me. i'm a big girl.
heheh. :)

life is about living, and that ain't no lie.
don't try to take that from me.

My Wonderfully Amazing, 21st B-Day

Well well well...
my 21st birthday is EXACTLY 2 weeks away. and i am absolutely STOKED!!!!!
i mean, not that i have plans to do ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!
GAH!
I mean, what am i supposed to do? ALL my friends are under 21! I am the 1st in my class of 21-year-olds!
Ok, i KNOW it seems like it might be awesome, but it's not. It's like not even turning 21 at all.

But when my buddy Tinster Cocco FINALLY turns 21 on March 20th, i will jump for joy as we stumble in and out of shady bars and nightclubs together. our plan is to walk into a bar, and confidently ask for 'cham-PAG-nay'... and we plan to get it.
HOW CAN THEY DENY US?! we'll be 21!!!

well i'm in. i don't care what you guys say.
I think i will look things up... within the next two weeks. maybe i'll ask around too. What's something REALLY amazingly fun to do, when your friends are all little under-aged babies?!!?!?!?


not that i don't love them. they are wonderful, all my little babies... but they are so very young...

BUT when TINA my LOVE FINALLY TURNS 21!!!!!!, we have a wonderful plan to go to LAS VEGAS where out lovely friend Tony DeLaCruz is HOPEFULLY going to get us into a little club, i'm sure you've heard of it...
PURE?!


can you say, VIP Lounge?
I can ;)