Expressing an Interest in Taking it All Off

It's weird, no? Having your own thoughts online for people to read... to scrutinize? It's so weird.
But still, there's something about it that appeals to me. The idea that maybe the words you put out there are reaching someone on more than just a surface level. And I think, for where I want to be in the future, how exposed I am as a song-writer, as a lyricist... I'm already naked. Literally just the physical nakedness is left to expose. And I'm not getting naked for you so don't ask.
But who really CARES about all the outside stuff anyway? I believe that none of these outside effects really matter. The good stuff is on the insides. The guts. The guts are the good stuff that people have. If you have rotten guts, no matter what kind of FREAKISH things you do to yourself on the outside, to your shell, people will eventually get a whiff, of the stench that lie-th beneath. And BOY, can it smell.
I think this principle applies in multiple situations. The connotation I'm making seems to directly relate to looks and altering ones outside appearance, but that's not what I mean.
What I mean is the daily person one presents to the outside world. The everyday "hello," or the passing fake smile or the complete disregard for life or a lacking in human compassion, that stuff smells. And though one may be able to fool others for a while with their potpourri smiles and their "new car" scented teeth, someone will smell it. It will seep out and it just spreads from there. So honestly, it's understandable that some are afraid of this concept. I think people appreciate traits with more depth than the shallow attempt at interest in another or some how falsifying even general kindness. Traits that are hard to come by.
Such traits may include but are not limited to :

1. Sense of Humor
2. Sense of Humility
3. Acceptance and Admittance of Wrongful Actions
4. Honesty

Does anyone else feel like I do, like when you find a person that has even ONE of these qualities, you're just... drawn to them. There's nothing I like more than a person who can laugh, who can laugh at themselves and one who can admit they're wrong. Combine that with a person who will be honest with you when you REALLY need it, it's absolutely priceless.

 There are only a handful of people I know like that. And there's no need to even mention names, they know who they are.  But I think the only reason I know this list myself, is because we've discussed it in detail. Let's laugh at EVERYTHING. Let's laugh at OURSELVES, cause shit, we funny and we do some really dumb shit sometimes too. Let's just fucking ADMIT when we're wrong! For god-sakes! I'm not going to judge you! You know you're wrong, I know you're wrong, but the only person who needs to admit that, is you! And more important than all the others and the hardest to practice, let's just be honest. Honest about each other, about the world around us, about the future, the past and the present. Because projecting some kind of alternate reality onto the world in front of us isn't going to mean shit. If that continues, one day, we'll wake up, reality will be staring us right in the face, and we wont be able to handle it. And it will be our own faults. 

So, shall we?
Yes, let's.

Justice of the Universe

I haven't been writing when I've wanted to because now that I know others can read this, I've had the idea that I have to write something for others to read.
But this isn't about you, for once, you asshole. This is about me.
And it doesn't benefit me to keep a blog for the sole purpose of entertaining others.

So I'm just going to write as I have before... before I went public.
Candid, organic and most probably boring to everyone except myself.
But again, this is about me, so it doesn't matter if others are entertained.

I was thinking today about how some things never go the way you plan them... I mean not exactly.
I used to get really annoyed by that concept, it used to make me so frustrated. Like, why the FUCK did I specifically plan this shit out moment by moment, if you (speaking to the universe now) are going to go and fuck EVERYTHING up?!
That's how I feel now. This Wednesday my roommate, my friend and I had a big road trip planned to SF. We were going to pop on over to Big Sur, make our way to Santa Cruz, hang at the Mystery Spot for a minute and MOST IMPORTANTLY visit my sister,. It's all gone to shit now. Everything saved and planned was in vain (why do people use that phrase? shouldn't the response to that be: it was always in vain to begin with?). There's no point in even talking about it anymore, I should just pretend it was never planned because it's not happening.
However, I now have 5 4 days off from work with nothing planned and the same fervor I've had to leave this godforsaken hell of a town for just a brief moment of time.
Another thing I learned from this happening so much in my life is exactly this; when one door closes, another door opens. Everything evens itself out. That's how the world works. If you want to look at a plan taking a turn as a negative thing, that's exactly what it will be, negative. Which is how I was looking at it but I'm making up my mind to be excited about what else this could mean. I have no idea what new opportunities will be laid in my path now and THAT, my friends, is exciting.
I still need to get the fuck out of this place in the near future for my own sanity* at some point. It's not a joke, this place is a whirling pool of doom and destruction. But if you go up for some fresh air and sunlight, you can live survive under the thick cloak of  Chanel perfume and weed haze that covers OC, for a while longer. So that's what I'll do.

I'm working 10 11 days in a row this... I don't even know what to call it, it's just going to be 11 days straight. I'm at day 9 tomorrow. Now that's an accomplishment. Not that I didn't do that while I was in San Diego, but this is so much more than that, I love it. I love growing up, I love becoming more responsible and getting more wisdom as each day passes. I always knew I would love to grow up.
I don't love to work 11 days in a row, but it means I'll have money for rent, bills, gas, food, and maybe this month I'll even buy myself something new... like from a regular store. Like, you know, not from Goodwill or Salvation or even Crossroads. Maybe I'll stroll right into Banana Republic and buy myself some new pants.
I mean... the only thing I can justify buying new right now is work pants AND festival tickets (HEY, so sue me! I'm a musician!)... but ya know what!? Fuck it! Caution to the wind! Maybe I'll even get a new work shirt too! hahahaha. I love that my life is all about working right now. Cause that means as soon as Takuji gets back, I can allow myself to be fully submersed in music and we can get this album out of our souls and into others, because I'll have money saved up and I wont be living on free leftover food from Mothers. Yayy!


Alright well. If you made it through...... I have nothing for you.

*many OC'ers don't understand this concept 'the bubble' is not a myth people!!

"What Makes You Think You're the One"

The title of this entry is a song by: Fanfarlo

I'm in the process of making the hardest decision of my life in the next few days, and I can't get away with not writing about it.

I'm making a decision that has delivered many sleepless nights, created intense anxiety and finally the feeling is going away. Because I've made the decision.

It all began with my first band, Rae Nae and the Badger, a name I've avoided saying/writing/thinking about for the past 8 months. I was ashamed of the name, Rae Nae and the Badger. Not because of the music, not because of the members, but because I put my decision not to go to UCSB last fall on the shoulders of that band. I made all the members promise me I was making the right decision to stay and continue playing with them. I made Se-June, Vanessa and Ben promise that they would stay dedicated to the band no matter what issues we had, or what music we played. We would focus on our music, above all else.

Then I left for London with Make Moon, hoping to learn something from all the success I saw them have locally. I wanted what they had and I thought that if I went with them, some of that hardworking genius ora to rub off on me. What I learned I took with me... but it wasn't what I thought I'd learn. I learned to be independent, not to depend on others to have a good time or to see the world, which I should have learned in Spain when I went with Tina.
Having the desire to explore and get all that I can out of my time in a foreign country is something I've had to relearn every time I have the chance to go

I had fully planned to go to school this coming fall semester, whatever school I went to.

But now, I'm making a more concrete plan, and YET it is much less sturdy. 

The plan is to focus on music. From now until.... until I die.

Trying to explain to my mother that I didn't need to graduate from any prestigious university to do what I REALLY wanted to do for the rest of my life, was the hardest thing I've ever done.... probably. 

But she was the one, the first one who inspired me to do this. As all mothers and fathers do, my mom told me, 'Linnae, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.' I believed her more when I was younger, and now, as I mature, I believe that statement even more. 

Even though she has stopped saying that statement, I can never forget it. It is ingrained into my existence.
Mom, I'm sorry that when you said that to me, what you REALLY meant was, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as it's what you want me to do. 

I believed you. Don't deny me now.

I am going after the big dream. Because the only way to make a dream into a reality, is to believe. 

It's fucking scary, but I feel more clarity of mind now than ever before.

This is IT. This is truly IT.

Life. 

Now take it or leave it.

I'm going to take it. by the balls.

....had to :P

i cut and dyed my hair.

Yes, that is me, right there, on the right hand side. the one with the black short hair. i dunno what to think about it right now, but i guess it's aight for now.
i think it's something very good. i think it's going to be something i am very happy about. my birthday is coming and i want to look amazing on the night.
what should i freaking DO!? i've had NO time to think about it.
i guess i'll look it up before i pass out, right? it's only 12:40am, that's plenty of time.
i need sleep eventually.

i guess i'm planning the party... which i don't mind doing, it's just not my thing. if it's up to me, i would just go to bars with everyone who is 21. that's the thing, it's going to be fun for me no matter what because i'm turning 21, and i get to drink the whole night if i want! i mean it's more about what my friends who are not yet 21 want to do.
like these little buddies in the picture above. that lovely lady is my roommate and sista from another mista, yasmine. that spiffy dressed kid next to me is one of my best, se-june. they are the loves of my life... though we are missing my beloved breanna.

anyway, it's getting late, and i guess i have a little party to plan?

one more pic.