"What Makes You Think You're the One"

The title of this entry is a song by: Fanfarlo

I'm in the process of making the hardest decision of my life in the next few days, and I can't get away with not writing about it.

I'm making a decision that has delivered many sleepless nights, created intense anxiety and finally the feeling is going away. Because I've made the decision.

It all began with my first band, Rae Nae and the Badger, a name I've avoided saying/writing/thinking about for the past 8 months. I was ashamed of the name, Rae Nae and the Badger. Not because of the music, not because of the members, but because I put my decision not to go to UCSB last fall on the shoulders of that band. I made all the members promise me I was making the right decision to stay and continue playing with them. I made Se-June, Vanessa and Ben promise that they would stay dedicated to the band no matter what issues we had, or what music we played. We would focus on our music, above all else.

Then I left for London with Make Moon, hoping to learn something from all the success I saw them have locally. I wanted what they had and I thought that if I went with them, some of that hardworking genius ora to rub off on me. What I learned I took with me... but it wasn't what I thought I'd learn. I learned to be independent, not to depend on others to have a good time or to see the world, which I should have learned in Spain when I went with Tina.
Having the desire to explore and get all that I can out of my time in a foreign country is something I've had to relearn every time I have the chance to go

I had fully planned to go to school this coming fall semester, whatever school I went to.

But now, I'm making a more concrete plan, and YET it is much less sturdy. 

The plan is to focus on music. From now until.... until I die.

Trying to explain to my mother that I didn't need to graduate from any prestigious university to do what I REALLY wanted to do for the rest of my life, was the hardest thing I've ever done.... probably. 

But she was the one, the first one who inspired me to do this. As all mothers and fathers do, my mom told me, 'Linnae, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.' I believed her more when I was younger, and now, as I mature, I believe that statement even more. 

Even though she has stopped saying that statement, I can never forget it. It is ingrained into my existence.
Mom, I'm sorry that when you said that to me, what you REALLY meant was, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as it's what you want me to do. 

I believed you. Don't deny me now.

I am going after the big dream. Because the only way to make a dream into a reality, is to believe. 

It's fucking scary, but I feel more clarity of mind now than ever before.

This is IT. This is truly IT.

Life. 

Now take it or leave it.

I'm going to take it. by the balls.

....had to :P

EDIT:: It seems people have been reading this blog incorrectly so I have taken the time to change the wording to make the post more understandable. Here we go again people!!

alright... i'll post something.

i have been feeling a lack of connection... with everyone.
i don't know how to regain that connection.


my band, rae nae & the badger, doesn't exist anymore due to... complications(see: Se-June Park got a girlfriend and therefore became a total PRICK who was no fun to be around and lost all his friends and for some reason whatever talent we though he had, and had his entire focus become a girl. not that we didn't think that would happen, we just never thought it would be to that degree. the girl herself had nothing to do with the break-up of the band and we all knew that already though I didn't think it had to be said, obviously it does).
it's not a big deal, i just... i want to keep making music and i haven't been able to even look at to guitar out of it's case. i even found the cord to the keyboard. there's NO reason for me not to be playing.
or writing... or singing, for that matter.

i guess i'm a bit depressed.
i lost my best friend to a girl (suprisa suprisa! who didn't see that coming?!), my sister has moved out of town, and life in general has been in a downward spiral. where's the hope?
 i WILL be fine. and i know that... somewhere inside i DO know that. but it's getting harder and harder to hold onto that idea... when it's taking SO.LONG.
but that's the thing about life... with time, comes change.
i just have to be patient, wait out the bad stuff, and TRY to progress, otherwise nothing will happen. i keep WAITING for something to come to me. i keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to get me up in the morning besides work. in the last 3 months, i've made up stuff to keep me getting up... and i'm running out. i'm running out of stuff to keep me loving my life.
which can only mean, it's time to start again... to crawl out of hiding and do what i love: sing, write, make music.
it's alright if i'm alone... people make music alone all the time. i KNOW i can do it.
i just wish i had something... to keep me going. something to keep me going.