"What Makes You Think You're the One"

The title of this entry is a song by: Fanfarlo

I'm in the process of making the hardest decision of my life in the next few days, and I can't get away with not writing about it.

I'm making a decision that has delivered many sleepless nights, created intense anxiety and finally the feeling is going away. Because I've made the decision.

It all began with my first band, Rae Nae and the Badger, a name I've avoided saying/writing/thinking about for the past 8 months. I was ashamed of the name, Rae Nae and the Badger. Not because of the music, not because of the members, but because I put my decision not to go to UCSB last fall on the shoulders of that band. I made all the members promise me I was making the right decision to stay and continue playing with them. I made Se-June, Vanessa and Ben promise that they would stay dedicated to the band no matter what issues we had, or what music we played. We would focus on our music, above all else.

Then I left for London with Make Moon, hoping to learn something from all the success I saw them have locally. I wanted what they had and I thought that if I went with them, some of that hardworking genius ora to rub off on me. What I learned I took with me... but it wasn't what I thought I'd learn. I learned to be independent, not to depend on others to have a good time or to see the world, which I should have learned in Spain when I went with Tina.
Having the desire to explore and get all that I can out of my time in a foreign country is something I've had to relearn every time I have the chance to go

I had fully planned to go to school this coming fall semester, whatever school I went to.

But now, I'm making a more concrete plan, and YET it is much less sturdy. 

The plan is to focus on music. From now until.... until I die.

Trying to explain to my mother that I didn't need to graduate from any prestigious university to do what I REALLY wanted to do for the rest of my life, was the hardest thing I've ever done.... probably. 

But she was the one, the first one who inspired me to do this. As all mothers and fathers do, my mom told me, 'Linnae, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.' I believed her more when I was younger, and now, as I mature, I believe that statement even more. 

Even though she has stopped saying that statement, I can never forget it. It is ingrained into my existence.
Mom, I'm sorry that when you said that to me, what you REALLY meant was, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as it's what you want me to do. 

I believed you. Don't deny me now.

I am going after the big dream. Because the only way to make a dream into a reality, is to believe. 

It's fucking scary, but I feel more clarity of mind now than ever before.

This is IT. This is truly IT.

Life. 

Now take it or leave it.

I'm going to take it. by the balls.

....had to :P