Transitions

I've thought a lot about writing, I just haven't.

I'm not sure why.
things have been weird in my life. just...
well i guess i should start by saying that i'm moving from orange county.
FINALLY.

see, i say that and it still scares me to think about leaving. i don't know what it is about this place, but they want you to think there is no life outside of here. outside of the bubble.
but i've been visiting san diego every weekend for the past month, and it's amazing there. just about everyone is unusually nice.
the only reason i have to say 'unusually' is because i've been living in orange county for the past 7 YEARS. DAMN. this is the first time i am actually realizing how long it's been.
i moved here when i was 15/16, a skinny little girl, completely confused about the ongoing of the world. i wanted to be embraced by my surroundings and the people around me, but it never happened. i had to change bits about myself. i had to get meaner when i moved here, because everyone is SO PUSHY, it's the only way i could save myself.

but anyway, i'm here to speak about the future, not the past.
i am moving away from orange county, and it's most-likely, forever.
this place is not for me, it never has been.
i've said that since the beginning, and now that i have finally loosened my chains, i can escape. i love my friends here (the ones who are still loyal and REAL), but it has been a long time coming.

moving back in with my mom will be interesting, to say the least. i'm so much older now, i've finally passed the 'i'm a young idiot who wants to make stupid mistakes because i can and i'm young and you can't tell me what to do anyway' stage, and i'm ready to be an adult.

that's another reason i want to leave so badly.
i see it ALL around me. these kids (and by kids, i do mean my age kids) who absolutely REFUSE to grow the FUCK up. it's TIME. i mean, i REALIZE, we are YOUNG, it is the time to make mistakes. but one of the main functions of transition to adulthood is to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES, and to GROW.
all around me i see people who refuse to grow, to learn, to take RESPONSIBILITY for their own actions. i mean, honestly, how long can you blame everyone around you, before you realize, it's your own fault you're in the situation you're in. it is also your responsibility to change the things you don't like about your life, and sometimes it takes the long way, and sometimes it takes the hard way, but ultimately, it's for the best.

i mean, myself, of all people, i still could NOT for the life of me, ever imagine being able to support myself, to pay for my own room and food and transportation. i NEVER thought i could do it. but i AM. i work REALLY hard, everyday, because i HAVE to and because i WANT to have success in my life and I realize, i'm the only one who's going to make that happen for me. no one else can give that to me.

coming to that realization has made me so much stronger. i now realize that anything i want to achieve is in my own hands, and my hands alone. no one in the world can give me what i want, more than myself.

i'm so happy my education, upbringing and experience has brought me to that understanding.
i only hope i can assist others who are struggling.