And with it came the light.

Alright that's IT!!
I'm going to stop being a chicken and just WRITE.
SO HELLO. i hope you feel I am being forceful, as that is what I intend to imply.
Why am I chicken? Well that's none of your goddamn business, nosey!!
Life right now... I must say, is not at all bad. I just got my macbook pro in the mail on friday. in the shower when it arrived, got out and saw the package leaning against my door. I feel bad making all those weird noises whenever I get a package in the mail. Like, 'GAHHHHH!!! YAAHHH!!! WOOOAAHHH!' something like that.
I couldn't even wait to dry off/put clothes on. I just ripped opened the package and started setting it up. It felt so weird. this awesome piece of machinery belongs to ME! I get to put my name in it's system, I get to fuck it up with music downloads and unstable sites. Yay!!

Most importantly, I have no any excuse not to be putting out new music. So as much as I've been looking forward to getting this thing, I've also been dreading it. From here on out, it's all hard work. Dang it. But yay :D
So Friday I got the puter... on the same day Barbara asked me if I would play at the Lab for the Artery Art Opening on December 4th.... and today I had a jam sesh with Mr. Jones. Got Adam on the bandwagon for the show as well. Tried to records a little today in between the jamming and going to the Blank Tapes show in Laguna, but realized it's a little hard to record when I don't have headphones so that ended abruptly. However, when we met up with Ben before the show I told him about wanting to record and gee golly, that guy gave me a pair of headphones, a mic and a mic cord to hook up to my interface. Love that guy.  Seriously, best guy ever.

SO. tomorrow, after my 10 to 5, I'm probably going to be held-up in my room blowing shit up. On my compy. I'm still testing this thing out though. Seeing how it does with my huge amount of photo downloads right now.
Awesome. This thing is awesome. It may take a little getting to know, a little feeling up, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I just keep accidentally enlarging and shrinking the screen occasionally.

BUT, I am officially, a mac user.
And I officially have no excuse. So. Anyone wanna jam?? Hit me UP.

On a different note (sort of), it's no fun having to wear work clothes all week long. It sucks. There's barely any room for personal expression. Although, I must say, I love my job(s). I love all the people I'm meeting everyday. Making connections with people, but if I don't think it's genuine, I don't bother. Let's not waste each others time, right?

Oh my, Mother's. It's awesome. I love the people I work with. Everyday is an adventure. I mean, it's work, but at the same time, seeing these people every week, whether we'd like to admit it or not, we're growing together, we're learning together. We experience the same atmospheres, the same ambiance in the same place.... basically wearing the same clothes. How can we not be connected? I feel it.
Kean is the same. I feel like we really try to hold onto our difference from other workplaces there. We don't let the fact that we're at work effect our personalities. What really makes that work is that Keanians (as I like to call them) are all very personable. I mean seriously though, check out our ratings on yelp.com. We get a 4.5/5 stars with 255 voters. That's fucking great. And personalized latte art on every hot cup (with foam of course), I mean honestly, I'm not being bias, we're awesome. But we don't have overstuffed chair(s), I don't know why you lie so. Yelpers should ALMOST never be trusted. They tell people we have big couches and overstuffed chairs... really? Where are they? We have one couch. And you weren't the first to sit there. Just sayin.
Alright well! On that positive note, I'm off. We've had enough.

Next time  I post, I almost promise a video.... probably not though but hey, crazier things have happened.

p.s. just finished Factotum, wishing I had read more slowly as it was amazing and I would have liked to savor his genius, but people were giving me funny looks. I guess I don't look like your typical Bukowski reader, but what do 'those people' look like anyway??
Anyway, I need a new book now so I'm open to suggestions.

Expressing an Interest in Taking it All Off

It's weird, no? Having your own thoughts online for people to read... to scrutinize? It's so weird.
But still, there's something about it that appeals to me. The idea that maybe the words you put out there are reaching someone on more than just a surface level. And I think, for where I want to be in the future, how exposed I am as a song-writer, as a lyricist... I'm already naked. Literally just the physical nakedness is left to expose. And I'm not getting naked for you so don't ask.
But who really CARES about all the outside stuff anyway? I believe that none of these outside effects really matter. The good stuff is on the insides. The guts. The guts are the good stuff that people have. If you have rotten guts, no matter what kind of FREAKISH things you do to yourself on the outside, to your shell, people will eventually get a whiff, of the stench that lie-th beneath. And BOY, can it smell.
I think this principle applies in multiple situations. The connotation I'm making seems to directly relate to looks and altering ones outside appearance, but that's not what I mean.
What I mean is the daily person one presents to the outside world. The everyday "hello," or the passing fake smile or the complete disregard for life or a lacking in human compassion, that stuff smells. And though one may be able to fool others for a while with their potpourri smiles and their "new car" scented teeth, someone will smell it. It will seep out and it just spreads from there. So honestly, it's understandable that some are afraid of this concept. I think people appreciate traits with more depth than the shallow attempt at interest in another or some how falsifying even general kindness. Traits that are hard to come by.
Such traits may include but are not limited to :

1. Sense of Humor
2. Sense of Humility
3. Acceptance and Admittance of Wrongful Actions
4. Honesty

Does anyone else feel like I do, like when you find a person that has even ONE of these qualities, you're just... drawn to them. There's nothing I like more than a person who can laugh, who can laugh at themselves and one who can admit they're wrong. Combine that with a person who will be honest with you when you REALLY need it, it's absolutely priceless.

 There are only a handful of people I know like that. And there's no need to even mention names, they know who they are.  But I think the only reason I know this list myself, is because we've discussed it in detail. Let's laugh at EVERYTHING. Let's laugh at OURSELVES, cause shit, we funny and we do some really dumb shit sometimes too. Let's just fucking ADMIT when we're wrong! For god-sakes! I'm not going to judge you! You know you're wrong, I know you're wrong, but the only person who needs to admit that, is you! And more important than all the others and the hardest to practice, let's just be honest. Honest about each other, about the world around us, about the future, the past and the present. Because projecting some kind of alternate reality onto the world in front of us isn't going to mean shit. If that continues, one day, we'll wake up, reality will be staring us right in the face, and we wont be able to handle it. And it will be our own faults. 

So, shall we?
Yes, let's.

Oh man oh man oh MAN!
Life is good. Seriously, I am headed exactly in the right direction.
It's so funny how we take these little detours, trying to find out which path to take, but then when you find it, it's like, traffic is smooth, weather is nice and you've got a full tank of gas.
I love it!
Finally started saving up some money for the days to come. I have about 200 in my saving right now and every week a new paycheck in my checking, it's fucking awesome. I love my life.

My new buddy Adam and I have been going to just about every music event we can find in Orange County and let me tell ya, for a place that's supposed to be so "up and coming" in music, there aren't THAT many things happening here! It's all in LA! It's ridiculous, hahah! But I've been meeting so many people and they all ask me what I'm doing and where I'm going and what not. Adam knows E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.
Last week I got to see Dagha Blooms practice space where they held their last warehouse party, and let me tell you, I don't think I've seen a cooler space than that. I wish it was open to the PUBLIC! that's how fucking cool it is. They played their new song for us, which is EPIC. I felt privileged, to see the magic in action. I'm very lucky, I realize that more and more everyday.

Not to mention I finally had a few days off to hang with Benji and Yaz-dizzle. I love them, I always have such a good time with them. It's like the good ole days, when everyone got along and egos weren't flaring out of the roof. We're just friends, plan and simple. There for each other, caring about each other, it makes me a bit nostalgic, but then I realize, I wouldn't be where I am today, if it wasn't for all the events that occurred. Everything happens for a reason! It's our job to learn from our past mistakes, and keep making more, heheh :D

Work has been pretty awesome also. We get so many benefits at Mother's and the owner comes into Kean everyday so we're buds. I can't complain. I really can't complain. It's all experience to move me into the next step of my life.
I can't wait till I don't have to work two jobs to pay rent, till I can start playing music full time!!!! GAHH!!
And just wait! Within the next few months I'm getting my iMac and I'll be RECORDING! Hahahah!
My mouth just waters thinking about all the possibilities.... gahhhhh--->mouth watering.

Anyway, visiting Breanna at the end of this month, visiting Portland at the end of NEXT month and December? Who knows about December, so many things could happen between now and then, I don't even want to jinx myself. Let's just say, karma is not always just a bitch, sometimes it is a good-humored gentleman. And we're going to get it on.

hehehe.

OH OH OH! MY camera is up and running again, which MEANS, life is wonderful. This weather has been PERFECT for shooting outside, the clouds create the most beautiful defused lighting you can imagine. Everyone is beautiful in this light, even if they're not happy about the weather.

But I just wanted to write about the stuff that makes my world go round, because sometimes I forget all the ways in which I'm privileged.  I've got friends who love me, family I would die for and I'm meeting more people everyday. I've got a roof over my head, a car, food on my plate and if you didn't know, I'm a progessive human being, everyday means trying to become better in every way. Life. Is. Grand.
Wouldn't dare ask for more, I'll just go out and get it :P

So many pictures to chooooose from! Which shall prevail!?

Justice of the Universe

I haven't been writing when I've wanted to because now that I know others can read this, I've had the idea that I have to write something for others to read.
But this isn't about you, for once, you asshole. This is about me.
And it doesn't benefit me to keep a blog for the sole purpose of entertaining others.

So I'm just going to write as I have before... before I went public.
Candid, organic and most probably boring to everyone except myself.
But again, this is about me, so it doesn't matter if others are entertained.

I was thinking today about how some things never go the way you plan them... I mean not exactly.
I used to get really annoyed by that concept, it used to make me so frustrated. Like, why the FUCK did I specifically plan this shit out moment by moment, if you (speaking to the universe now) are going to go and fuck EVERYTHING up?!
That's how I feel now. This Wednesday my roommate, my friend and I had a big road trip planned to SF. We were going to pop on over to Big Sur, make our way to Santa Cruz, hang at the Mystery Spot for a minute and MOST IMPORTANTLY visit my sister,. It's all gone to shit now. Everything saved and planned was in vain (why do people use that phrase? shouldn't the response to that be: it was always in vain to begin with?). There's no point in even talking about it anymore, I should just pretend it was never planned because it's not happening.
However, I now have 5 4 days off from work with nothing planned and the same fervor I've had to leave this godforsaken hell of a town for just a brief moment of time.
Another thing I learned from this happening so much in my life is exactly this; when one door closes, another door opens. Everything evens itself out. That's how the world works. If you want to look at a plan taking a turn as a negative thing, that's exactly what it will be, negative. Which is how I was looking at it but I'm making up my mind to be excited about what else this could mean. I have no idea what new opportunities will be laid in my path now and THAT, my friends, is exciting.
I still need to get the fuck out of this place in the near future for my own sanity* at some point. It's not a joke, this place is a whirling pool of doom and destruction. But if you go up for some fresh air and sunlight, you can live survive under the thick cloak of  Chanel perfume and weed haze that covers OC, for a while longer. So that's what I'll do.

I'm working 10 11 days in a row this... I don't even know what to call it, it's just going to be 11 days straight. I'm at day 9 tomorrow. Now that's an accomplishment. Not that I didn't do that while I was in San Diego, but this is so much more than that, I love it. I love growing up, I love becoming more responsible and getting more wisdom as each day passes. I always knew I would love to grow up.
I don't love to work 11 days in a row, but it means I'll have money for rent, bills, gas, food, and maybe this month I'll even buy myself something new... like from a regular store. Like, you know, not from Goodwill or Salvation or even Crossroads. Maybe I'll stroll right into Banana Republic and buy myself some new pants.
I mean... the only thing I can justify buying new right now is work pants AND festival tickets (HEY, so sue me! I'm a musician!)... but ya know what!? Fuck it! Caution to the wind! Maybe I'll even get a new work shirt too! hahahaha. I love that my life is all about working right now. Cause that means as soon as Takuji gets back, I can allow myself to be fully submersed in music and we can get this album out of our souls and into others, because I'll have money saved up and I wont be living on free leftover food from Mothers. Yayy!


Alright well. If you made it through...... I have nothing for you.

*many OC'ers don't understand this concept 'the bubble' is not a myth people!!

What Dreams May Come

Last night a had a really weird dream and I actually feel as though dreams can be really helpful for waking life, so I tried to remember as much of it as possible so I could write it down.

My dreams usually play out like a movie. Scene set in some place I've never been, some city I've probably seen in a movie. For some reason, this dream revolved around me trying to save my ex from a cult.

So it's starts like this: My ex-boyfriends mom comes to me and says her son is in town and he's joined some shady group of people. Just as she says that, there's the shady group of people walking by on the opposite side of the street. How convenient, right?

So, these people, they look pretty normal. Kinda hipster-ish, maybe lacking in color a bit. So, they don't really look that shady to me, but whatever, she's a Christian, and by my experience all Christians seem to think if you're not a Christian by choice, you're probably shady. So that's what I'm thinking in the dream.

She tells me they've brainwashed her son and that I'm the only one who can help him.

So I go, to the rescue of my ex, into the building where I the shady, non-Christian hipsters go. I pretend to the leader to be interested in joining, even though I have no idea what it is I would be joining. He let's me sit around while they conducted business, though I'm not really sure what "business" was. All I know is I heard the words "Devil" and "Worship" and that's when I knew this was more than just some confused group of hipster-fucks sitting in the dark. Suddenly I was aware of an abscess amount of candles on the table and the eerie red spray painted symbols on the walls. The table the boss was sitting at had some kind of throne... I dunno it was a fucking dream, everything was a blur.

So I guess a few days has gone by and I'm not talking to my ex because I don't want him to think I'm actually there to save him, I'm just... you know, trying new things.

Then one night, we move out to the balcony and by this point the dream has completely cut my ex out of the subject of focus and he's just a background character. I'm pretty stoked about this in my dream too because I'm really getting into the role of "pretend devil-worshiper rescue girl" only without someone I have to rescue, cause then it's less pressure. Not to mention in the dream he seems to not really be into the cult at all, he barely talks and he's just kind of a background person in the whole situation.

So I'm sitting on this balcony like I said, with the leader of the group and some other minions of his, and we're just talking and what not. Then, out of no where, a body wrapped in a white cloth is dangling above us, the feet of the body are at the same position as out heads, just a little above. We all look up, the leader is kind of nonchalant as he talks to some people in the balcony above. Tells them to "take him down, get him out of the way."  As soon as I find out who it is I start crying hysterically and no one seems to care or notice that I'm crying. The whole I'm I'm thinking 'I can't believe I let this happen.' My ex killed himself. And no one seems to care but me.

For some reason, this is the point at which I wake up. I tried to fall back asleep, to think of something better to wake up to, but every time I closed my eyes I'd think of the body hanging above. About him as a dead person. Quite depressing really. Anyway whenever I have dreams like that, I like to look them up, find out what the FUCK that was about.

So here's what I looked up, according to Dream Dictionary:

• Hanging - To watch a hanging in your dream, represents feelings of insecurity. The hanging may symbolize aspects of yourself that you want to eliminate.
• Devil - The devil represents intelligence, cunningness, deception, and cleverness.
• Cult - To see a cult in your dream, indicates that you are lacking any spiritual freedom. 
• Cry - To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.  
• Cry (Part 2) -To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

 So yah... I dunno that was a weird dream. It makes sense though... everything.

Sip Sip from the Cup of Life

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking with that title. Just came to mind randomly.

So life has changed a bit again. But that's not really important. Life is a constant changing. That's what makes it so lovely, so unpredictable.
Well I will say, I've moved into my dream home with my bandmates Takuji and Hoshiki, who also happen to be two of my best friends. We also have a resident bandmate Paul who may as well live here, he's also one of my best friends.
Here we spend nights with our beat-educed strobe light creating shapes across our living room walls as we jam out random songs about everyday life. Our little haven. The living room is the best place to be, drumset in the middle of the room, guitars and amps line the walls, we used to have a PA, but as far as noise goes, it's probably best we don't for now (we can get a little crazy).
Life is amazing. Before Takuji planned his trip for Japan, new Cosmodelion had finished writing 5-6 solid good songs together with me as the singer. This month, as Takuji is gone, Timothy "Human" Anderson will be occupying the otherwise empty room. It's been a nice addition having Human around. He is a photographer like I used to call myself so it motivates me to bring out my old clunker occasionally to snap a photo here or there.
Cosmodelion is the best band I've ever been in. I mean these guys are serious about music and serious about experiencing life. It's the perfect combination for success and for me. These guys are exactly what I needed.
Serious musicians. It's like, a dream come true!
This house in general is a dream come true.
Just try to imagine: Living with your bandmates so even if you get home at 11pm you can STILL have a midnight jam sesh, the music you make is ACTUALLY GOOD, the people you make it with don't have an ego so there's always room for improvement. Everyday is one step closer to where you want to be.
But isn't that the point? The journey?

I can't believe my luck. After everything you go through, you never really know if it is worth it.
But even if this is the end, this is worth it.
I am SO happy.
I'm working two jobs, 6 days a week and my car just got towed but I don't remember a time I've been more pleased with my life. This is my yellow brick road. I found it.

Finnnaallllyyyyyyyyyy.
ohmigod cannnntwaiittttttt.

"What Makes You Think You're the One"

The title of this entry is a song by: Fanfarlo

I'm in the process of making the hardest decision of my life in the next few days, and I can't get away with not writing about it.

I'm making a decision that has delivered many sleepless nights, created intense anxiety and finally the feeling is going away. Because I've made the decision.

It all began with my first band, Rae Nae and the Badger, a name I've avoided saying/writing/thinking about for the past 8 months. I was ashamed of the name, Rae Nae and the Badger. Not because of the music, not because of the members, but because I put my decision not to go to UCSB last fall on the shoulders of that band. I made all the members promise me I was making the right decision to stay and continue playing with them. I made Se-June, Vanessa and Ben promise that they would stay dedicated to the band no matter what issues we had, or what music we played. We would focus on our music, above all else.

Then I left for London with Make Moon, hoping to learn something from all the success I saw them have locally. I wanted what they had and I thought that if I went with them, some of that hardworking genius ora to rub off on me. What I learned I took with me... but it wasn't what I thought I'd learn. I learned to be independent, not to depend on others to have a good time or to see the world, which I should have learned in Spain when I went with Tina.
Having the desire to explore and get all that I can out of my time in a foreign country is something I've had to relearn every time I have the chance to go

I had fully planned to go to school this coming fall semester, whatever school I went to.

But now, I'm making a more concrete plan, and YET it is much less sturdy. 

The plan is to focus on music. From now until.... until I die.

Trying to explain to my mother that I didn't need to graduate from any prestigious university to do what I REALLY wanted to do for the rest of my life, was the hardest thing I've ever done.... probably. 

But she was the one, the first one who inspired me to do this. As all mothers and fathers do, my mom told me, 'Linnae, you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.' I believed her more when I was younger, and now, as I mature, I believe that statement even more. 

Even though she has stopped saying that statement, I can never forget it. It is ingrained into my existence.
Mom, I'm sorry that when you said that to me, what you REALLY meant was, I can do anything i put my mind to, as long as it's what you want me to do. 

I believed you. Don't deny me now.

I am going after the big dream. Because the only way to make a dream into a reality, is to believe. 

It's fucking scary, but I feel more clarity of mind now than ever before.

This is IT. This is truly IT.

Life. 

Now take it or leave it.

I'm going to take it. by the balls.

....had to :P

Transitions

I've thought a lot about writing, I just haven't.

I'm not sure why.
things have been weird in my life. just...
well i guess i should start by saying that i'm moving from orange county.
FINALLY.

see, i say that and it still scares me to think about leaving. i don't know what it is about this place, but they want you to think there is no life outside of here. outside of the bubble.
but i've been visiting san diego every weekend for the past month, and it's amazing there. just about everyone is unusually nice.
the only reason i have to say 'unusually' is because i've been living in orange county for the past 7 YEARS. DAMN. this is the first time i am actually realizing how long it's been.
i moved here when i was 15/16, a skinny little girl, completely confused about the ongoing of the world. i wanted to be embraced by my surroundings and the people around me, but it never happened. i had to change bits about myself. i had to get meaner when i moved here, because everyone is SO PUSHY, it's the only way i could save myself.

but anyway, i'm here to speak about the future, not the past.
i am moving away from orange county, and it's most-likely, forever.
this place is not for me, it never has been.
i've said that since the beginning, and now that i have finally loosened my chains, i can escape. i love my friends here (the ones who are still loyal and REAL), but it has been a long time coming.

moving back in with my mom will be interesting, to say the least. i'm so much older now, i've finally passed the 'i'm a young idiot who wants to make stupid mistakes because i can and i'm young and you can't tell me what to do anyway' stage, and i'm ready to be an adult.

that's another reason i want to leave so badly.
i see it ALL around me. these kids (and by kids, i do mean my age kids) who absolutely REFUSE to grow the FUCK up. it's TIME. i mean, i REALIZE, we are YOUNG, it is the time to make mistakes. but one of the main functions of transition to adulthood is to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES, and to GROW.
all around me i see people who refuse to grow, to learn, to take RESPONSIBILITY for their own actions. i mean, honestly, how long can you blame everyone around you, before you realize, it's your own fault you're in the situation you're in. it is also your responsibility to change the things you don't like about your life, and sometimes it takes the long way, and sometimes it takes the hard way, but ultimately, it's for the best.

i mean, myself, of all people, i still could NOT for the life of me, ever imagine being able to support myself, to pay for my own room and food and transportation. i NEVER thought i could do it. but i AM. i work REALLY hard, everyday, because i HAVE to and because i WANT to have success in my life and I realize, i'm the only one who's going to make that happen for me. no one else can give that to me.

coming to that realization has made me so much stronger. i now realize that anything i want to achieve is in my own hands, and my hands alone. no one in the world can give me what i want, more than myself.

i'm so happy my education, upbringing and experience has brought me to that understanding.
i only hope i can assist others who are struggling.

EDIT:: It seems people have been reading this blog incorrectly so I have taken the time to change the wording to make the post more understandable. Here we go again people!!

alright... i'll post something.

i have been feeling a lack of connection... with everyone.
i don't know how to regain that connection.


my band, rae nae & the badger, doesn't exist anymore due to... complications(see: Se-June Park got a girlfriend and therefore became a total PRICK who was no fun to be around and lost all his friends and for some reason whatever talent we though he had, and had his entire focus become a girl. not that we didn't think that would happen, we just never thought it would be to that degree. the girl herself had nothing to do with the break-up of the band and we all knew that already though I didn't think it had to be said, obviously it does).
it's not a big deal, i just... i want to keep making music and i haven't been able to even look at to guitar out of it's case. i even found the cord to the keyboard. there's NO reason for me not to be playing.
or writing... or singing, for that matter.

i guess i'm a bit depressed.
i lost my best friend to a girl (suprisa suprisa! who didn't see that coming?!), my sister has moved out of town, and life in general has been in a downward spiral. where's the hope?
 i WILL be fine. and i know that... somewhere inside i DO know that. but it's getting harder and harder to hold onto that idea... when it's taking SO.LONG.
but that's the thing about life... with time, comes change.
i just have to be patient, wait out the bad stuff, and TRY to progress, otherwise nothing will happen. i keep WAITING for something to come to me. i keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to get me up in the morning besides work. in the last 3 months, i've made up stuff to keep me getting up... and i'm running out. i'm running out of stuff to keep me loving my life.
which can only mean, it's time to start again... to crawl out of hiding and do what i love: sing, write, make music.
it's alright if i'm alone... people make music alone all the time. i KNOW i can do it.
i just wish i had something... to keep me going. something to keep me going.

does the whole... being bitter thing ever work for anyone? ever?
i mean, i'm just wondering.
i've been trying. i've been trying to be a positive lady, but it's been really hard.
tonight it was hard. tonight it was hard to put on the face. the face of invincibility.
it's not so bad to pretend to be happy when i'm very upset. it only eats at my soul a little bit, not too much.
anyway, i don't really want to write anymore.
i need to talk to someone, but there isn't really anyone...
but i guess i don't really mind. things lately have been less than exciting. i am less than excited about the future. I used to be so excited, so down to see what was to come.

i feel like i'm in one of those super obscure indie movies with a totally ambiguous plot and the story just seems to have no point. there are small ups, there are small downs, but for the most part, it is a life that is unnoticed.
it's hard to take accept that you may not be very important to any person inparticular. that there is no one who cares exactly where you are when you lie your head down at night.
and at the same time, who is that person from my end... my sister? but she's under other people's protection, not mine anymore.
but i'm ok.
i guess i'm ok.

i have to be ok right? cause life will go on, and life is short, and we all time it for granted and all that other stuff they tell you to make you feel better about a dull life.
alrighty,

here we go, whether we like it or not, better make the best of it.

I am in London right now, on tour with Make Moon, formerly Dolphin City of Newport Beach, California.

So this is London.
I have good things to report, as well as bad.
One of the things I am having a hard time getting over, are the streets. The streets are SO DIRTY I can hardly believe it. When I walk down the street and the wind blows, I'm afraid that if I'm talking, trash will fly into my mouth. I must say, I have never had this fear before, so I know that I have never been anywhere that has this much trash on the ground.
However, the night life here, is awesome! People drink till 6 am, and stumble home on public transport, stopping at the local chip shops for food to soak up the liquor that's sloshing around inside their bellies. At night, people are friendly as the goal is the same, get WASTED and try to make it home.

This is one crazy town.

Love. It.

I'm finishing this almost a year later, but I figure better late than never!

Wandering Minds

gahh...

i hate to make my dad cry.
i don't know where it comes from. he just starts crying, about something between us.
i never know what to do, it just makes me cry back.
so then we're sitting there, both crying, and i'm trying to comfort him, and i feel helpless.
my dad is one of the most amazing people i know.
he's also one of the most stubborn, one of the most juvenile, but he still remains at the top of the amazing people i know.
he's definitely the most amazing man i know, that is for sure.
i don't know how he does it, he makes me feel so lazy, the way he works so hard.
and it's all for us, his kids, his offspring.

today he cried again, as a result of me.
he told me we are so close, don't i remember all the things we used to do together, how he would take care of me.
'linnae, i cleaned your diapers, man! don't you remember?'
'yes dad, i remember, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, i'm really sorry...'
'i was not going to talk to you, linnae, i was not going to talk to you.'
'i'm sorry dad, really, i'm so sorry.'

it sucks that sometimes you have to call a person just so that you can get the verbal abuse you deserve.

well well well.
i'm going to london in a little while... about a week.
i cannot wait.
but at the same time, i am, of course, incredibly stressed.

i have about... 5 very important things that need to happen before i go on this trip:

1. send transcripts from occ/ivc to uci to ensure that i can actually go there next semester. (june 8th)
   
2. find my FUCKING passport! scratch that, my DAD needs to find my passport that he took from me, for... 'safe keeping' (june 13th... FUCK)
   
3. pack my shit in storage for an entire month (june 12th)
   
4. play the church show on friday (june12th)
5. find money to survive in london for a month (june 12th)
   (see find)
6. attend my brothers UCLA graduation the day i leave for london (june 13th)

see, i wrote 3 to begin with, then i realized... that i have actually more. then i wrote 5, thinking, no i'll just do 5, i know it's probably 5.
but no, it is 6.
it is 6.

anyway i plan to post things in here, lot of things in here. i want to post pictures, and websites, and you know... shit like that. shit that i love.

anyway, i'm in san diego to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday.
she's taking me on a shopping spree and we're going to get our hair did.
get our nails did.
i am excited, but, more concerned for my sanity than anything else, i would say. my sanity is at jeapordy here more than anything else.

i'm planning to dye my hair lighter tomorrow.
we'll see how that works out.
i'll either look really hot,
really bad,
or exactly the same as i do right now with multicolored hair.

wish me luck.

i have problems that god only knows.
moby said it right, and now i am having problems solving problems.
resolving how i feel with others. i have learned to avoid them.
has this made me a good friend? not in the least.
i've felt numb for a while now, these feeling seem too much right now, too overwhelming.
one day i wish to be so much more than even i thought.
but the way things are now, it seems improbable, impossible, embarrassing. i am none of these things, which makes being human hard... harder than it has ever seemed before.


maybe it's time, maybe it's time we call it quits. i mean, it's not even really fun anymore. everyone says what an asshole i'm dating, how he's so rude to all my friends... tonight he kissed on of my friends, it was all planned, but i never agreed. that's the thing, it's like nothing i say matters. i'm not important enough to actually listen to. that's the only problem. everything i say is entering in one ear and exiting, immediately out the other. my breath is wasted on someone who does not give a fuck.
why do i give him such power in my life. do i not have any control.
i sleep on the couch bed because i like him so much, instead of my incredibly comfortable bed which i inherited from my beloved brother. it's all mine and i don't even get to use it. how disappointing.
there's so much i wish i could change about my life. is this where it changes, for the better. i mean it could be SO much worse, but this is about all i can handle right now. why cant this be enough. why cant i be happy? ever?
no one can make me happy but me.
how sad... i rarely make myself happy...


ahh well, let's just keep trying, right? keep on trying.

if you're not happy with your life, there's no point pretending. everyone can see through the facade. just so you know.
i tried it, and it really didn't work.
as much as you pretend and you fake it, if you're not happy, you're just not happy.
i didn't intend to share this much on such a public profile, but i ended up doing it anyway. so oh well.
i am dissatisfied with life's potential options. i do not agree, i do not wish to comply. and therefore, i will not comply and waste my life.

life is what you make it, so make it fucking amazing.


otherwise, honestly, what is the point?

too little too late.

the title doesn't really mean anything, it's just something i was thinking.
randomly.
so life has been pretty regular. which, believe me, i am not complaining about.
though...
i do wish things were just a bit more exciting.
this weekend should be pretty stoke-enabling, hehe.
i love that you can pretty much make up words as long as you throw a little '-' in there. like remember-able. hehe. i dunno why you wouldn't just say memorable... but still, if you wanted, you could do that.
um... i don't really have anything to write about...
oh!
so this weekend should be pretty fun. kenny wants to head down to san diego for at least part of the weekend, so i'm stoked. i think maybe ben and sj are coming? i dunno for sure.
i have work on sunday but who cares, hehe. i don't. they need to pay me more. i work so hard. but apparently i'm up for a promotion. 'shift leader'. which would be actually really cool, just cause i'd be the the only one, and the cafe manager would be new, so it's basically everyone coming to me when they have questions.
but they do that anyway. which is why i should have more money. hhaha.

well i've got work. same ole same ole.
the drone.
me.

times to decide

i feel like laying low for a while.
this week i have been trying so hard, doing everything i'm supposed to.
and now, as good as i felt, i'm tired. i'm tired of trying SO hard.
other people can try now if they want. i'm passing the torch. everyone, give me a break for a while, yeah? let me sleep, let me work-out and work... oh yah and sleep.

i think i want to leave orange county. i think it's finally time. there is just no progress for me here. i have nothing really here for me anymore besides the people around me. but lately i've felt like i need something more, something that seems so hard to get here. i am constantly debating whether to move across the country, or to move an hour away. wherever i am it'll be completely different than where i am here. and i think that's what i want. i certainly think, but i dunno for sure.
i think i'll have to think about it. a lot. a lot a lot a lot. 
goodbye relaxation.

i feel like turning 21 has changed everything.
i can get the job i want, i can go to the places i want to go and hang out with the people who once seemed so elusive. psh... what a joke that is.
it's about 3 in the morning, and i am exhausted. shauntis is over, breanna is passed out in our room and yasmine and ben are sharing a room again too.
i had so much fun tonight. i mean, it was a little slow to get started, but once it did, it was pretty amazing. even better than last night!
so the day started out with lunch @ my work on me with shauntis and breanna, then we headed to kenny's to do god knows what.
while we were there se-june, ben, tina and vanessa all showed up. we were at kenny's MANSION along with some strange young people we had no interest in getting to know. call it elitist, i call it... we're just much older than a bunch of high schoolers, i can't help it if i care so little of their existence, as they care little for mine.
so then alli came and we escaped to forever 21 where we shopped for a little while before rushing back to kenny's so that shauntis and alli could go to alli's family dinner. i headed over to se-june's myself cause he promised me some of that amazing spicy chicken thing his mom made last time, so i basically had dinner with ben and se-june. i love them. great birthday dinner.
then i left, told ben i'd get them something to drink if they wanted so  i got some shit for them to party with.
got ready, left for kenny's. get there. immediately was offered a drink... got a massage from a magical chair and waited for the arrival of shauntis and alli.
when they finally got there we lagged for about...... i dunno... what seemed like forever, till we finally left! yay!!! bar time!!
i really had been wanting to go to this place called rudy's, but i guess kenny didn't want to wait in the line so we went to some place called the 'district'? i dunno. we had to wait in line for a while but then some guy came up to us and let us in the back door. kenny was a dumb and totally forgot his id so he had to go BACK to his house to get it, but the girls and i just had a few shots and 'kicked it', as they say (i'm hip!)
anyway we all got humped on a little by various guys. one guy told me his friend was a model. doubt it. but whatever it was awesome. i had an amazing time.
picked up my drunk sister and headed home. where i am finally able to rest. we'll see if i go out drinking anytime soon, ever again. i mean, it's fun... but c'mon ya'll... c'mon....

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

it's my burfday, it's my burfday, i'm gunna party cause it's my freak BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!! i'm stoked.

sandwiches for breakfasts

i'm listening to the metric station on pandora radio (GREAT THING IF YOU HAVE NOT DISCOVERED IT). and then 'April 29th, 1992' by sublime came on...

i love pandora radio, but maybe they're stretching it a bit, no?
i hate it even more when because it's a female artist, or singer, they ONLY play other female artists. how annoying is that?
so have you ever tried an asian pear? they are like, half apple, half pear.
i LOVE them, which is funny, because i really dislike red apples with those stupid impossible thick skins. and i really dislike pears cause they get old so quickly and feel dry on the inside.
but the asian pear is the perfect combination of the two. it's really juicy, the skin is easily broken with teeth, and it's fun to eat cause it's not too sweet.
so, my birthday is tomorow. and how ironic 'Free to Stay' by smoosh is on...'today, pretty soon it'll be tomorrow...'
it's true. in only... well i don't want to count the hours, but yes, i was born almost exactly 24 hours and 21 years ago.
my dad figured out that this is my real birth anniversary. i seriously cannot wait, ya'll.
actually... to be honest, i can wait. i mean... don't tell anyone, but i am as much apprehensive about turning 21 as i am excited.

it's a lot of pressure. i am the 1st of my closer friends to turn 21. but i drink so little. the being driven by slightly intoxicated under agers to the liquor store @ 1 am really doesn't sound that appealing to me. call me crazy.
but yeah...